You know what really gets to me? I’ll tell you. People that walk by and don’t make eye contact… and you know what that means. It means they don’t have time for you. In fact, it seems like they actually go out of their way to avoid eye contact… and you know what that means. It means they don’t care about you. Oh, and how about the fact these people often don’t even smile… you know what that means. It means they don’t even like you.
We’ve seen and reacted to these people for years. When we were in school, we’d see them on a regular basis, crisscrossing in the hallway, or walking to a class. We’ve seen them in our office, at the health club, in the store, in the neighborhood, or just about anywhere you can think of. Their failure to simply make eye contact with us, or smile or at us, makes us wonder. Before we know it, we begin to misuse our imagination.
“Is that person too busy to even nod hello? Jerk!”
“Did that person actually look down rather than look at me as I walked by? How dare they!”
“Is that person so much better than me that they can’t even smile at me? Knucklehead!”
At first, it doesn’t really bother us all that much. I mean, sometimes people are busy, or distracted. But after a while, we begin to notice a pattern, and that pattern of avoiding eye contact begins to bother us. In fact, often it almost incites us. We begin to fire back our own intentional, almost callous lack of eye contact. When we see these people coming, our mood changes. Like a pitcher winding up for a pitch, we toss in our best, dismissive, snotty look right back at these people as if to say, “How do you like them apples!”
Does that scenario sound familiar? It hurts to be ignored, or for the lack of a better word, dismissed – on a regular basis – by another human being. The wondering continues: Is this lack of social civility because we’re not important enough, or perhaps not attractive enough, or not cool enough, or maybe not interesting enough to simply make eye contact with?! I mean, for goodness sake, how hard can it be to just look at someone! The nerve of these people!!
But what if we have it all wrong?
What if that lack of eye contact isn’t because we aren’t worthy, or hideous to look at, or of no social value to another person? What if it has nothing to do with us at all? What if it’s a complete misread of another human being? What if these people who commit this heinous act are just… shy?
I watched a guy stare at the floor, and frown every time I got near him for over a decade. After a couple of years, guided by my fragile ego, I threw it right back at him. I grew accustomed to our little match of disinterest, and frownery until one day he came up, bravely stared at the floor, and told me what I good job I had done on a project. As a matter of fact, while frowning at me, he even offered me his hand to shake. When I shook his hand I noticed something else. I noticed he was wrestling with a smile. I also noticed that I instantly liked him, and we’ve been friends ever since.
I’m willing to bet there are countless people in your life that you have misread because of their social awkwardness. I also bet there are a few of these people, who fate helped you to get to know better, and who later became your friends. Their inability to make eye contact was not indicative of how they felt about you at all, but rather due to their own insecurity. The fact is many people perceive a lack of eye contact as almost an aggressive act. Ironically, when you actually break through that barrier of “disinterest,” you find out these are often nice people… really, nice people.
So, the next time you smile at someone and in return you receive a flat, unemotional, look at the floor, try not to take it personally. Say “hi” anyway. I’m betting you will be surprised at both the sincere “hello” you hear and the look that you are given. It will be a look of gratitude.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone.
As usual, Rob – you are extremely “perceptive”! You perceive the slightest “innuendos” – that most of us never notice!
It’s very special ‘talent’ Congrats for having it!
When I was an active member of “Tostmasters International” – for 20 years – many years ago – one of the traits they always stressed to be a better ‘communicator’- was “eye contact”! The eyes – are “the windows of the soul” – they used to remind us!
Your ‘BLArticle, today, only re-inforces that – more!
(P.S. – What was that crazy video I saw this morning – with you imitating Muhammad Ali – and ‘Puss’n Boots’???)
J.M.
“C.T.”
Rob, I realized this while in high school. I realized that many of the “snobs” were simply, shy. What was rewarding was that many of them, later in life, grew out of this awkwardness and became realized their self-worth. During the awkward high school years, they let their insecurity hold them back, but in time, most of them “grew into their own skin” and although they might be, at times, still shy, they realized their value and became great friends, partners and parents.
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving and enjoy both the shy and non-shy amongst us, many of who just need to be given a chance to express themselves!
Rob, very enlightening blarticle. Effective communication is perhaps one of the most difficult endeavors we seek to achieve each and every day. Folks often must fill in the blanks since articulating our thoughts and feelings is impossible to articulate in a few words. This is further complicated by the impossibility of divorcing recent experiences from the current interaction. e.g. Someone saying, “Hello, hows it going?” may be offended if they are answered with a blank stare or even a grimace – not realizing that the person they are addressing received news of a family member passing away. Your advice is great – and a great takeaway for the day. Thanks!
Rob, You are always right on target! Many years ago, I worked with a woman that I thought was a total snob, and she thought the same of me. Then one day in the lounge, I got out a jar of creamed strongly perfumed lotion; it was so totally not me! Anyway, Paula looked over and asked to see it; while reaching past an innocent bystander, the jar slipped and splashed all over us. We absolutely reeked! The poor third party was appalled. The two of us, just broke down laughing and we have been the dearest and closest friends for over 40 years!
When I was in college, I often walked past people I knew because I couldn’t see them. I’m still shy, but the glasses really helped.
As a coach, I am aware that many people who have difficulty looking into the eyes of another, also have difficutly in communicating their valuable ideas verbally. Many times thes people have a wealth of knowledge and are more comfortable with the written word. Many times we misinterpret them due to their lack of connectiveness. All they need is the space, time and positive feedback that inspries them to want to develop the relationship. Remember: Being present for that person will create a comfort level and less of a risk for the conversation and this could lead to a relationship.