I still have a few painful memories of my first awkward dates when I was in High School; some rather unlucky girls were treated to an awkward, but well meaning, Rob Jolles. At the time, I thought I was quite a prize. After all, I wasn’t a person who had nothing to say. In fact, I was the complete opposite: I had plenty to say, plenty of funny stories to tell, and plenty of backup stories just in case I ran out of my funny stories. Oh yes, I thought I was quite the prize. Unfortunately, I didn’t ask questions, and I also wasn’t a very good listener. In other words, I may have been quite the bore!
Many people believe that being able to carry on conversations naturally, while putting those around us at ease, are skills that we are born with. Some believe that you can’t be taught these skills. Well, I’m here to tell you that nothing could be further from the truth.
Eleanor Roosevelt was known for her very gracious and sincere public image, and she possessed tremendous sensitivity to the underprivileged. Growing up, she described herself as awkward and uncomfortable around others. Abraham Lincoln was admired as a man who could charm anyone who he crossed paths with, and yet, it is well known that he was an introvert who struggled with every day conversations.
So what skills did these two great leaders possess? Either consciously or unconsciously, they understood the art of conversation, or chit chat. Here are three tips you can use to master the art of chit chat.
- Ask Questions. One would think that talking a lot and telling lots of stories would make you the bell of the ball, but this is not necessarily true. Engaging others with questions will put them at ease, and makes them feel valued. It’s not an opinion; it’s a fact.
“The easier you make it for others around you to speak, the more interesting they will find speaking to you.”
- Be in the moment. Questions don’t count if you don’t listen to the answers. That means you cannot plaster a blank expression on your face while you mull over the next question on your list. You need to actively listen, and focus on the response you are hearing. You don’t need to be worrying about the next question you can ask. If you stay in the moment, and truly listen to what’s being said, intelligent follow-up questions will present themselves. You’ll certainly have a better chance of extending the conversation by focusing on the responses you are hearing rather than preparing for the next question.
- Be aware of your nonverbal cues. When we are engaged in conversation, a whole host of nonverbal behaviors are in play. Fidgeting should be kept to a minimum. Facial expressions and eye contact should be natural, and not forced. You are not there to stare down those you are engaged with. You are there to put them at ease while letting them know how interested you are in what they have to say.
You’ll notice that I didn’t suggest that you “tell fascinating stories” or “talk.” In fact, that’s the easy part. There will be plenty of opportunities for you to dazzle those around you with how much you know, or with that story you’d like to tell. For now, just remember that you can be the most interesting person in the room by simply being focused on those around you and in what they have to say.
Such the life lesson, Rob. All 3 points are spot on, but I feel #2 is especially profound. What great advice, man! So you’re saying we should aim to be more interestED than interestING? Love this. Thank you.
I happen to really like that quote of yours; “It’s better to be interested that interesting.” That pretty much sums it up, but as simple as your quote and that BLArticle® is, so many people struggle with this. Thanks for that quote and posting Steve!
Such a simple concept but fascinating how many people struggle with this.
You took the words right out of my mouth Ron. I debated writing this BLArticle® because I felt it might be telling people what they already know. But knowing it, and actually abiding by it are two different things. The art of chit chat might be logical, but it in no way is instinctive. Always appreciate reading your comments Ron.
Good points, Rob. I would also add “don’t scan the room looking for someone more important to speak with” while you’re engaged. I’m probably guilty of that and don’t love it when I’m the victim.
Fred
Great point. I think we’ve all had a taste of what you described. It’s always interesting to me that the best way to learn a lesson is to be on the other end of it. When I work with groups on conduct role-plays it’s never lost on me how much learning takes place – no from the role of the person utilizing the skills taught, but from the person playing the role on the other side of the desk. Thanks for posting Fred.
Great summary! But how to control the nonverbal part? Wish the virtual mirrors were on the market already.
Interesting you mentioned mirrors. I’ve used mirrors in one of my training programs to reinforce some of those nonverbal points. There’s an app for that! Thanks so much for posting Yegor.
Great advice. I find those that ask me about myself are the most interesting because it makes me want to find out about them. Thank you Rob.
Good point Lorri, and one that I agree with. What people need to realize is that it’s easier to not just talk, but talk about ourselves. It also quickly gets boring and shows little regard for those we are talking to. It takes work to find the questions we need to ask, but I’ve always found if I’m in the moment, and listening, the questions come much easier. Always great hearing from you!
Rob,
Enjoyed your BLArticle as always. It’s a short seminar on communication and networking. Great advice and simple, but as you say it’s a skill to learn.
Bob
You’ve got that right. It’s one thing to read those simple steps that were outlined, and a whole other thing to implement. It takes practice, patience, but I also think it take a conscious commitment to keep getting better. I always enjoy hearing from you Bob!
Great advice Rob!
I find that to truly connect with people we must get to know them. What better way than asking questions?
Thanks,
Allison
You bet. The strange thing is we typically get little to no training in actually doing it. I can’t tell you how many people I meet in selling who have had thousands of hours of training on various products, and little to no training on the art of chit chat. Why would I want to hear about your product or idea if I don’t like or trust you? We need to fix this. Thanks so much for posting Allison.
Great Blarticle!
Yes, we need to be quick to hear, slow to speak, and spread out our questions, instead of being preoccupied with the next thing we want to say. Others will be greatly impacted if we focus on what they express through words and non-verbal cues, before we try to say something meaningful.
You nailed it Melissa! When I began professionally coaching I felt an enormous pressure to try and find the solutions to many of my clients challenges. Then I realized that my job was to ask questions, listen, and help others find the solutions to his or her challenges. Being interested in what someone else has to say, and helping them say it is a wonderful act of kindness. Thanks for posting!
Hello Rob,
I’m happy you posted again, I was looking forward to your next Blarticle. It’s interesting how the art of conversation really is a skill to be developed. Just like anything, the more you practice the better you get. My toolkit was hungry this week and thank you for your food for thought.
Sincerely,
Taura
You’re right – the art of conversation really is a skill to be developed. The good news is we can ALL do it. I coached basketball for many years, and although some kids showed up knowing how to make a lay up, the fact is every kid could learn how to do this. Sure, it came more naturally to some then to others, but it’s a process and it can be learned. Just like the art of communication. Although I don’t want to jinx myself, I’ve had a BLArticle® out every other Friday morning for over six years. I’ll keep posting if you keep reading… and providing your terrific posts!
Rob, nice to meet you at your most vulnerable….naked…Tyson’s Health..with Victor.
Enjoyed your advice and look forward to more. Please include me on your next communication.
Well there’s a little bit TOO much information, but if you’re at my health club I suppose you’re going to see me at my most vulnerable. You’ll also see me in the pool swimming countless laps which I think you’ll find a bit more interesting! I’ve added you to our BLArticle® list so you’ll be getting an email with a link every other Friday morning. Great hearing from you Hans!
Beautiful reminder for all. Most sales people( me 🙁 ) want to TALK and miss what concerns that the potential clent might have, because their listening ears are not turned on. Let me though share where this great idea came from. At James 1:19 in the Bible, it says “Know this my beloved Brothers: Everyone must be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger……..”. Jehovah God (Psalm 83:18) knew that this was the best way that we should interact with anyone that we met! There are so many other skills & knowledge about people that we can take advantage of that are right beside us! Rob, thanks for sharing your Blarticles with us 😉
Wow. I once found a 1914 insurance sales manual and on the first page it mentioned we need to ask questions and listen. You my friend found a source that was slightly older than mine. So if this has been around, why don’t we do it more? I think it’s the way we are trained. In a sense, we are trained to fail. We are taught way to much about our products, and not nearly enough about how to have a valuable conversation. Wonderful hearing and learning from you Byron!
The art of chit chat never came easy for me. What I discovered was when I shut up and listen instead of talking, conversation and interest became easy. All the pressure was off me. I’d say it became clear to me that I was talking far too much and not listening enough. It’s amazing how much we learn when we listen and observe. Body language, non verbal clues and the spoken word all combine to form a very interesting message. If we focus on others and less on ourselves we will discover how easy it is to have a conversation. The art of talking involves the art of listening. Great post Rob.
Let me quote you here so others won’t miss the point you just made. If we focus on others and less on ourselves we will discover how easy it is to have a conversation.” Sometimes I think we overthink this. As with many of our communication tools, they are right there waiting to be used all the time. We just need to leave what we think is our safe haven of yapping, and enter into the world of seeking information and listening. Outstanding post Doug!
Great article. My favorite example of a poor “chit chatter” is someone who keeps looking around (over my head) while we are “talking”, as if to find someone more important –or maybe taller) to talk to. AARGH.
You’re right – that is a chit chat killer! Whether they are scouting the room for someone more important, or scouting the room to figure out where the bar is, it doesn’t feel very good on our end. I always appreciate reading your posts Eileen!
Good Stuff Dr. Rob! Great tips and reminders for everyone–young and old alike.
The BLArticle® welcomes former Xerox sales trainer Ken Granader to the site! Although we worked together over 20 years ago, these are parts of processes both Ken and I taught to our classes at Xerox Document University. Great hearing from you my friend!
Rob, once again you have hit it on the head without spending a lot of time getting to the point. I love that about you. I believe in the background is idea of intention. If your intention is to sell something or yourself, it is likely you are spending too much time talking. If your intention is to really understand who you are talking to, you will likely ask more questions. Thank you my friend!
That’s a really interesting point Greg. In the background IS the idea of intention. How many times have you had a conversation thinking you knew what it was the client was looking for only to find out that he or she was looking for something else. We create trust, and we keep from running down a rabbit hole by letting the client paint the picture. Thanks so much for posting Greg!
Rob – As always – insightful…..but for those who struggle with chit chat – they also struggle with what types of questions to ask to break the ice…maybe the topic of a future BlActicle? I know they are different for different situations but your distribution list always adds lots of thought provoking additions to wherever you start…..
Have a great day
Outstanding idea. I’ve written a few pieces that deal with questioning, but questions to break the ice becomes a hybrid between opening tactics, and trust based questions. I can’t tell you when, but I’m seeing a BLArticle® in the future! Thanks for posting Bob.