When it comes to true friendship, there is almost no truer or closer friend than my cousin Steve. We’re virtually the same age, and we have been more like brothers since, well, since either of us can remember. We played together when we were very little, we had countless sleepovers in elementary school, we went to high school together, and we even shared an apartment when we got out of school. There are many things I admire about my “brother from another mother” as he puts it, but I want to focus on just two of them for now. One of the things I greatly admire about Steve is that he can tell a story, and he told me a whopper over lunch.
Me and my brother from another mother
Steve is not one to jump from job to job, but after fifteen years with his current employer, he is in the exploratory stage of job hunting. During this search, Steve came upon one specific company that looked like a good fit. He did almost everything right:
- Steve researched both the company and the position to make sure this was a good fit.
- Steve’s not an email guy, so he picked up the phone and called this company, and he called multiple times until he got the right person on the phone.
- He worked hard on his resume and his supporting materials, and he sent out materials that made the prospective employer want to meet with him face-to-face.
Each interview went better than the previous one, and the hiring process moved to one of the final phases; a request for the all-important recommendations. Steve provided three. The first recommendation was from another manager he has worked with for over a decade. This manager was someone that he knew well, and he trusted. The second recommendation was from one of Steve’s co-workers; Steve also knew him well, respected him, and trusted him.
The third recommendation was the jewel of the bunch. It was from a man who had been very high up in Steve’s current company, but he had left the company some years ago. Although this man had only worked for the company for less than two years and Steve didn’t know him very well, his accomplishments and credentials were impressive. Steve reached out through LinkedIn, and he asked the individual if he would be so kind as to provide a recommendation, and the individual gladly agreed.
A week later, Steve was asked to come in for an interview yet again. During the interview, he asked if his references had been called. The president of the company told him they had called only one of his recommendations. When Steve asked about how that call went, he was shocked with the response. “It was an interesting call; very impressive individual. He wanted to send me his resume, but I really don’t think he’s quite right for the job.”
Steve was fuming. When he called his “friend” and asked him about the call, he received a vague response. When he confronted this “friend” and told him that he had learned about the attempt to send in his own resume, the response was priceless. “Wow. He said that, did he?” The “friend” quickly changed the topic, and Steve let him, but Steve learned a valuable lesson.
We all know how vital a good recommendation is. The people we ask to write our recommendations are paramount to our success. How often do we find ourselves chasing a person’s title, rather than a person’s character? The people we choose should be people we know well, and we trust. Yet we put our professional lives in the hands of those we often barely know, because we think an impressive title or position will help us.
I mentioned I wanted to talk about two things I admire about my cousin Steve. The first was his amazing way of telling a story. The second thing is this: You would think that, after an episode like this, Steve would be playing the role of a victim. Clearly he had been wronged by someone of such questionable ethics. Instead, Steve shot me a wry smile at the end of the story, and spent the final few minutes telling me about the mistakes he had made, and the lessons he had learned from this experience.
That’s my brother from another mother for you.
This Steve fellow sounds like quite a guy – I am especially impressed with his final response, which was to take some responsibility for picking the wrong guy. I see so many people who blame everyone else and never look at the things they can learn from something that goes wrong. A good lesson for all of us.
I’m no fan of what I call, “Victim Mentality” and Steve isn’t either. It takes a big person to accept responsibility, particularly when clearly they were in the right.
Rob,
I have had “friends” in the past ask for my recommendation only to have them not return calls for interviews, job offers, etc. I am very picky about my recommendations now. I recently recommended a friend for a position only to wind up with egg on my face for doing so. The comment I received back was “Obviously this person isn’t very serious about wanting a job, why would you recommend them.” I am talking about someone I have been friends with for over 25 years that I recommended. Never in a million years would I have ever have thought that they would miss that opportunity and put my reputation on the line. Goes to show, you never know everything about someone. When I asked as to why, the answer… life got too busy! I will still give recommendations as I truly believe they do help and everyone could use help at times.
That’s interesting. I looked at this from the perspective of who we are asking to help support us, but you’ve reminded us how important it is to make sure we are careful when we are asked to provide a recommendation.
Great story, Rob….as usual!
Don’t know what you think about this one………
My 50 year old niece, Ginny, recently, was anxious to get her 18 year old son into the U. of Rochester and asked me if I’d write a nice recommendation for him. I didn’t know that much about Jack, so I asked my niece if she would write the recommendation, I’d be happy to sign it! Well, you should have seen the ‘flowery’ lengthy letter she wrote about her son! The little I knew about Jack, it seemed to me, that he couldn’t be quite that good – so I was a little hesitant about signing it. But I ‘swallowed’ hard – and signed it anyway!
A few weeks went by – and I got a phone call from Ginny – thanking me for the recommendation – and informing me that Jack was admitted to the U. of Rochester – ‘with open arms’! Of course I was pleased that I was able to help in this situation – but now that’s he’s starting his first semester, I began wondering – if the Jack I knew would able able to ‘perform’ at the same level – as he was ‘advertised’!
…It’ll be interesting to see…….!
JM
“C.T.”
Always great to hear from The Great Communicator II – John Monsul! My fingers are crossed Jack comes through for you.
Another great story Rob…..I was golfing with a former boss of mine just today and we talked about he number of people we knew in our field we could trust…really trust. Sadly, it wasn’t very many and we learned to cherish those we could. I was often asked to recommend people/students and I learned to tell them, especially of I was unconfortable, to perhaps “…ask someone else who might offer a more clear picture of their skills and talents.” I wanted the reputation of someone who, when asked, would give a truthful, honest assessment of someone’s abilities and talents. I’m happy to report that just in the last three months, several former colleagues were able to secure new positions especially beacuse of my input.
Keep up the great work…
When I see this comment once, it’s interesting to me. When I see it twice, it goes even deeper. Well said Bill. I too am asked about providing recommendations, and am careful regarding who I say yes to. I’m going to remember your response and use it myself!
I can think of no one better to tell this important life story that Steve told you. Loving both of you, not only as cousins, but also as dear friends, I am so sorry to hear that this was done to Steve, but so proud to hear of his response. I love his sense of humor and the love of life that you both display. Thank you both for being in my life.
Your cousin, Dee
I can assure you, I’ve learned plenty from my dear cousin Dee. Ready for this BLArticle® nation? Lest you think we are running out of cousins here, Dee Jolles, Steve Jolles, and Rob Jolles represent three of 36 Jolles cousins!
Without question it is easy for us who are not in this scene to see the picture…. I often speak about wise choices. And it sounds like to me that Steve made the best choice by having the ability to choose to move on without holding a resentment. All of us can learn a lesson from Steve and that is to bless and not curse those who wrong us. THANKS STEVE.
And thank you Ron James. We eagerly look forward to your book about choices coming out soon, and always appreciate your comments and insight.
Oh my goodness! Did Steve get the job? Is he still waiting to find out?
Luckily, I have never had a bad experience like this- I’m still young enough to lean on my college thesis advisor for recommendations, and professors are very responsible about that.
Ladies and gentlemen – Late Friday Steve was informed that he DID get the job!
What a story! So great of Steve to take the high road.
I make it a point to hang out with folks that take the high road. That’s another reason I like you and your show, We Mean Business!