All of us make mistakes. Some are bigger than others, and some are more in the public eye than others. We seem to take a perverse pleasure in building our public figures up, only to take a greater pleasure in watching them fall, due to their mistakes. A good example of this is the mess that steroids have created for so many athletes. It provides an amazing lesson on how not to say you’re sorry. As a matter of fact, if I were coaching anyone through a mistake, I’d take note of the escapades of Lance Armstrong, and Ryan Braun … and do the opposite.
It’s not the deeds that were done that seem to be antagonizing the public. It’s the ridiculous approach to extraditing themselves from these mistakes that have created an unforgiving feeding frenzy.
The easiest way out of a mess like this appears to be to simply apologize. After all, that seems to be what the public has been demanding. Lance Armstrong took his apology to Oprah. Ryan Braun has tried to apologize twice now, so why aren’t the words, “I’m sorry” enough? The reality is that an apology might be what the press wants, but not what the public wants. That’s because one of the most toxic words in the English language is “sorry,” and the most common blunder anyone can make, when faced with a scenario like this, is to trust your instincts and to apologize.
It is a natural tendency to want to say “I’m sorry” to someone when you have let him or her down. Don’t get me wrong—I have no problem apologizing to my wife or to my friends when I have been at fault, and I would be happy to recommend those words to any falling star if they were of any use. Unfortunately, they are not. Telling someone you are sorry is the equivalent of waving a red cloth in front of a bull. It only makes things a lot worse.
One of the reasons the word “sorry” is of such little use is that it’s not what most of us want to hear. To the public, the word “sorry” represents an empty, useless word that appears to be more condescending than sincere. People don’t want you to be sorry. People want their concerns to be acknowledged, and they want to be listened to.
Rather than releasing a 900-word apology with a detailed explanation as to the reason these “mistakes” were made, imagine if Ryan Braun had stepped up to the microphone and said, “I can understand your frustration.” Imagine if he then restated the issue to prove he understood our concerns: “You placed a lot of faith in me, and I was not truthful regarding my actions.” This demonstrates that he had, in fact, been listening. Then, and only then, would we be ready for him to provide his version of the details.
I cannot guarantee that, if he were to follow this process, we would magically be happy with the realities of his current situation. Based on years of using this process and teaching it to thousands of others, I can tell you that it will dramatically help to defuse the emotion that continues to surround this case. Once this emotion has been defused, we would be willing to listen to the rest of Lance, or Ryan’s story, and we would be in a better position to forgive.
Are you listening A-Rod?
It is so much easier not to have to say your sorry by not creating the situation in the first place. Easier said than done, however. We as humans perceive instances differently from one another. What to keep in mind is the consequences of all our acts, being able to justify what we have done, providing it has not hurt others. Weighing the outcome beforehand, will give one a much better understanding of what will be in store due to one’s own actions. I like the word, regret better than sorry when it genuinely reflects an act that had no malicious intent. I agree that, if the action shows lack of integrity, one must own up to it immediately. The truth is respected.
Interesting that you mention the word, “malicious.” I completely agree with your assessment here. Personally, I can forgive many mistakes, because I make many myself, but malicious acts I have a great deal of trouble forgiving. Thank you for your comment Isabel.
Taking responsibility for ones actions does not mean becoming apologetic. Saying your sorry is meant for pacification rather than resolve. Sincerity would be to step up to the plate and have a willingness to correct the issues either by changing the overall outcome or if this is not possible make amends and move forward with a positive forward focus. We so often get stuck in the tragedy, the blame, the pointing fingers and become the victim. This what once was a acute isolated mind set becomes a chronic means for people to live their lives. Once they have reached this dreary dark place they spew out I’m sorry because they have not reach that level in life that they are willing to no longer compromise with responsibility but they are ready to take responsibility. As we all know, we cannot undo what has been done but we can change the direction of tomorrow.
Years ago I helped train customer service reps for the National Flood Insurance Program. When faced with an irate caller, each time the rep said, “I’m sorry” it was met with an even more intense anger for the same reason you mention. The caller knew this rep didn’t cause the flood nor was the rep holding up their payment. “Sorry” was viewed as an attempt to pacify the caller. The skill of acknowledgment went a hole lot further! Thanks for your replay Richard.
Good stuff Rob! Makes a ton of sense, and actually builds more value when you don’t lead with the “sorry”.
It certainly allows the other individual to believe that our actions are sincere. Thanks for commenting on this Ben.
Excellent points, Rob. What I’ve tried to do, with customers or friends and family, is to show that A – I’m listening and B – that I can demonstrate I understand their anger or hurt. Being able to tell them, in my own words, what they are feeling shows that my apology is based on a sincere understanding of how they feel due to my actions or that of my company. Nothing is worse that for someone to say something like, “If I offended… I’m sorry.” That simply means that it is the other person’s fault they have thin skin and not the person who still doesn’t believe it’s their fault, really.
Over 20 years ago I worked with my friend “Mickey” McCoy. I believe I was the only one who ever called him Mickey though! Loved your comment here, and the fact that you are a believer in the necessity to acknowledge. No one wants to hear your side of things until you’ve proven to have heard theirs. Nice to hear from you and have your voice in the BLArticle® house Mickey!
Rob – wasn’t there a movie out many years ago – that was entitled “Love Story” – where the phrase – “Never having to say your sorry” – was used?
It was a beautiful love story – and I never forgot those words!
Somehow or other – it touched a place in my heart – for its simplicity and sincerity!
Hollywood needs to make more pictures like that – instead of a lot of the ‘garbage’ that comes out nowadays!
JM
“C.T.”
Yep, that was Love Story alright, and in its day, it was a great movie. Not a big romantic film guy, (sorry) but I do like a film with a message. In the 90’s a movie called, “It Could Happen to You” with Brigette Fonda and Nicholas Cage really spoke to me. If you haven’t seen it, and you aren’t afraid to get in touch with your more sensitive side, I can promise you the message in this film is remarkable. Thanks for weighing in John. There is no one in BLArticle® nation who comments as often as you, and that makes you one of my favorite people on this planet. If you haven’t heard of John Monsul, google him. He has a tremendous show he has hosted for a long, long time. As a guy who does TV now and then, he is by far my favorite host! It’s called, “Communicating Today.” http://www.communicatingtoday.com/
I find this topic interesting. My instinct is to say that I’m sorry. There are moments, I don’t hear it enough. I’d like a little more recognition from others that they have crossed a line with me. “Sorry” still is better than nothing and my first tip off that maybe they have.
But I also get what you’re saying here. “Sorry” has become to many, what the other commenter called, a pacification. It’s saying, “I don’t really care about you because I got what I wanted.” In this day and age, the consequences of botching a few relationships seems negligible and acting egregiously becomes a business calculation.
Certainly an on the job, “I’m sorry”, after a mistake doesn’t cut it with the boss and sounds and feels disgusting. I liked your suggested approach.
Oh, and I’m sure we’ve all sworn off the syrupy addendum, “It was an accident.”
Nailed it. Sorry is needed and works in a more intimate scenario. But with the boss, or a professional scenario, rarely is the person apologizing even related to the accident they are apologizing for. And boy am I with you on, “It was an accident.” Step up and own those mistakes! We’ll have a whole lot more respect for people who do. Thanks for weighing in here Beth.