It always amazes me how misunderstood the simple act of disagreeing can be. Many try to avoid it when, in fact, we all know that disagreement is a healthy part of any relationship. After all, would you really like to be part of a relationship where there was never any disagreement?
One of the more obscure jobs I was trained to do for Xerox was to study all forms of communication during meetings. I was supposed to document and chart the communication patterns for all meetings I was invited to attend. The company sent me all over the country to accomplish this task, and in a short period of time, I got pretty good at it. I watched how, in a handful of meetings, the actual lack of disagreements led to disastrous results. On the surface, these meetings sure looked harmonious. Under the surface, however, I rarely saw any serious exchange of ideas. Those “harmonious” meetings lacked creativity; there was no real accountability, and whatever solutions the groups acted on, typically failed. Oh, and when those solutions failed, there was a lot of finger pointing that went on… behind closed doors, of course.
“Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress.”
Mahatma Gandhi
It just isn’t an option to avoid disagreements. One of the reasons disagreement can fail is that it’s trickier than it appears, and we are rarely, if ever, taught exactly how to disagree. To be sure, we are left with an unusual paradox that involves disagreement: Without it, we are doomed, and with it, we place ourselves in potential danger. So let’s figure this out by looking at four general areas to focus on when disagreeing.
- The Words. My apologies if it sounds like I’m trying to make this more difficult than it is, but words really matter here. In a corporate environment, it can be difficult to raise your hand and simply disagree. It is challenging to respectfully disagree with someone – in front of the whole team. That doesn’t mean we can’t disagree in front of a team, but it does mean we have to choose our words wisely. I’ve always been a fan of what I call, “the support/build” method. This is a process that supports the idea of the person we are questioning, and then allows us to disagree with them by building on a particular idea that has been presented. It sounds something like this:
Person A: I propose we start charging for internal project support.
Person B: I think finding a revenue source is an excellent idea. (Support) What if we look at all avenues available to make sure we can generate revenue and retain the support we need from our other departments? (Build)
- The Tune. There’s nothing worse then hearing someone disagree – with well thought-out words – but with a lack of sincerity. Missing an opportunity to have the words line up with the tune can create all sorts of distrust and paranoia. Just in case you are struggling here, think of it this way: If you truly believe what you are saying, you will have the right tune.
- The Expression. It’s been proven that your facial expression conveys more of the emotional impact of your message than words, tune, or any other nonverbal cue. Good or bad, your face and your expression are windows to your sincerity. Much like getting the tune to lines up with our words, we are quite capable of having our facial expressions line up with our words as well. That fake smile, or as my Egyptian friends would call it, that “yellow smile,” isn’t fooling anyone. Make sure you truly believe what you are saying, and your face will not betray your words.
- The Timing. There is a time and place to disagree. It doesn’t reflect weakness, but rather strength, to determine when the timing is right to disagree. Do you really think that taking on a dominant manager, in front of his or her team, will be well received? Do you think that calling out a friend, in front of his or her peers, is the right timing? Picking the right time for a disagreement is critical and will dramatically increase your chances for success.
So there it is. There may still be some of you who are thinking this: “That’s all well and good, but that’s not how I want someone to disagree with me!” I offer you my sincere apologies if only…
…if only this was about you. But this isn’t about you and how you would like others to disagree with you. In fact, this was never about you. This is about the person or persons whom you may disagree with, and how and when you disagree means everything to them. That’s the part that gets by so many of us. When you take yourself out of the equation, and look at the art of disagreement from the other person’s point of view, you will see that thinking about the words, the tune, the expression, and the timing will help to make the other person open to your point of view, and receptive to other ways of looking at something. In other words, you will have learned the art of disagreement.
Actually, I’d love to be part of a relationship where there is no disagreement. Would save a lot of time and energy, especially when the relationship has two people who are generally pretty smart, generous, pragmatic, and open to new ideas. Loved the punchline, that it’s not about you but about whom you’re disagreeing with. Reminds me of one of my favorite sayings. When you agree to disagree, someone still disagrees.
Well… good luck with that relationship with no disagreement! 🙂 As for the punchline, you just hit the jackpot on your comment. It happens to be my favorite part of the BLArticle® as well. Thanks for posting Fred!
Once again, right on track Rob. There is a (sometimes not so) fine line between being disagreeable and having a disagreement. Your blarticle can help be on the right side.
Lets hope so Ray. We fail if we don’t disagree, and we fail if we don’t know how to disagree. It’s not easy, but it’s a part of life. Here’s to staying on the right side! Thanks for the post Ray.
As always, great insight Rob. But I have to disagree with you on your timing, you should have put this article out a few months ago 😉
Blessings Brother !
Kent.
I get you. Timing is everything isn’t it? Here’s to learning from our mistakes. Thanks so much for the post Kent!
Thanks Rob! I just finished 7 Habits of Highly Successful people again. I love Covey’s “Seek first to understand and then be understood.” I think it is a critical part of effective disagreement/communication. Stay dry – Ellen
Ah, Covey. He was ahead of his time. I’ve also been a fan of, “Begin with the end in mind,” but that’s more along the sales side of things. His 7 Habits seemed so simple, but how many people read that book, and how many actually implemented what they read? Thanks for posting Ellen!
Wise words, Rob! Words, Tune, Expression, Timing — a strong subconscious focus on these are hallmarks of a good meeting. I also think avoiding the fallacies of logic are good for reconciliation after disagreement is expressed. Here they are: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_fallacies
I had not seen that before. Thanks for sharing that link.. I also think remembering not to focus on how you want to be disagreed with, but how other might feel about the approach taken is critical. Nice hearing from you Eduardo.
The trick is how to disagree without being disagreeable. Right now, in the GOP debates we are seeing a horrid example of disagreeable- and thus potential solutions go nowhere.
Political disagreement is so disappointing because not only do they not follow any real constructive process, they seem to search for disagreement. I’m left believing this isn’t what our founding fathers had in mind! Thanks for the post Eileen.
Good thoughts, Rob – can you pass them along to our government? And follow up with a few articles on the art of compromise?! Best wishes, Joan
I can see where everyone’s focus seems to be. Tunnel back into your library of BLArticles® and you’ll see a few pieces on compromise. My fear is, we have a government that doesn’t want to search for agreement or compromise, and when that happens, we the people lose. Great hearing from you Joan.
Rob,
You are right on tract. My mother used to say “it is not what you say it is how you say it”.
We give our children a “time out” and as adults sometimes need a time out as well to collect ourselves.
The day we realize it is” not about me” we free up space and energy for a healthy exchange and ideas and possibilities.
Bingo. You could add, “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it, when you say it, and how you say it.” Every writer has his or her favorite part of something that’s written. Mine is that it’s not about me, but the other person or team I am standing in front of. We get that right Judy, and we’re good to go! Grateful for your post.
I never realized there were so many options for carrying out or initiating a disagreement. I might argue that there are more options, or possibly that we could combine a couple of your ways to make it less options, but in either instance it provides a great starting ground for a conversation. Stirring the pot I am. Nice post Rob! xo
Rather than “options” I think it’s more “considerations.” It’s important to get it right, and I wish there was a shortcut. Remember, strong, functional teams or personal relationships can take short cuts. But particularly in business, I’d rather be safe than sorry. Thanks for the post Doug!
I do have to say that your thoughts and ideas are very well stated. I wonder if you have given any thought to sharing them with a wider circle of people. Many could benefit from your well articulated words of wisdom. Often times I think that the time you spend either in the pool or the Spa has contributed quite heavily to the formulation of your ideas. If that is true, then indeed it is time well spent.
Well BLArticle® Nation, you now know how I know Victor! The man works out where I work out. I do get a lot of thinking done while swimming, but as for the Spa – no. That’s because my friend Victor is usually doing all the talking! You make me smile my friend. Thanks for the post.
Rob,
Disagreeing can be hard, but it’s often necessary, and you outlined very well which techniques work best. Thanks, Rob, as usual, for an excellent blarticle! Loved your discussion about the “harmonious” meeting with all the hidden backstabbing and how unhealthy it was. Their company would have benefited from being able to openly discuss options. Keep it up!
Sarah
Thanks for highlighting that point. It simply isn’t an option to be afraid to disagree. We just need to be smart regarding how we do it. We have to pick our spots, and we have to remember it takes courage to disagree. Thanks for the post Sarah!
I think this is a point in business and all personal relationships. Being able to analyse and attack a problem vs the person is integral to reaching a better solution. I am not sure this can even be learned by anyone younger than 50.
I agree with age comes wisdom, but if we can help people under 50 avoid learning this lesson the hard way, that’s a good cause. Lori, I learned this lesson not just studying interactive skills and teaching groups, but making some of the classic mistakes dreamers make. I placed being right above being political… and I was proud of it. I was wrong. Let’s help others under 50 learn this lesson. Thanks for posting my Lori.
Great read! Thanks for the effective strategies covering all aspects of communication re: disagree. Healthy disagreement in solving a problem or finding solutions to achieve a goal is not a bad thing, as long as reaching agreement finally. Relationship is the same, if two people always agree everything, the other one must be non-existing, right?
Spoken like a true scientist! Disagreeing is not a bad thing, it’s a necessary thing. Let’s just learn how to do it right. I also agree, there’s a time, a place, and a civility that goes with disagreeing in relationships as well. Thanks for the post Hui!
Here goes my favorite word, again, Rob…..EMPATHY! When we’re about to disagree…pause (timing)….. for a moment…..and put yourself in the ‘other guys shoes’ – to see where he(she)’s coming from….and then proceed to disagree! The ‘tenor’ of your ‘diagreement’ can change significantly – depending on how ‘perceptive’ your ’empathy’ is!
There’s another technique that’s very popular in the business world – called ‘BRAINSTORMING’! It’s designed to generate a lot of new ideas…which can also generate a lot of ‘disagreement’…!
We share a lot John. We both worked for New York Life. We both worked for Xerox. We both have the same favorite word – empathy. Brainstorming is an excellent way to generate ideas, and if done properly, contract those ideas to formulate a solution. There are a separate set of skills used for that. Maybe another BLArticle®? Thanks for giving me a push John!