As a society, we just don’t seem to like silence! We’ll do just about anything to avoid it. We’ll spend countless hours preparing for conversations, just to make sure there won’t be any uncomfortable silences. We’ll talk when we have nothing to say. We’ll even throw in filler words like “um” or “uh” to make sure there isn’t a moment of silence in between our words. Here’s the irony: Those pauses in communication can be one of the most powerful communication tools we have.
Think about it for a minute. There’s really only three ways to communicate; we can make statements, ask questions, or listen. Of those three, it’s been proven over and over that asking questions and listening are the two most important ways to communicate.
Now, what happens if we put our phobia about silence together with our need to ask questions and listen? In a sense, that is the recipe for the perfect storm, or should I say, the perfect bad communication storm. We know we have to ask questions to stay in control of a conversation, but questions don’t count if you can’t convince the person you are communicating with that you are honestly listening to the answers. Here are a few scenarios you might recognize:
- To stay in control, we are frequently trying to figure out our next question even before the person we are communicating with has finished answering our question. We not only risk missing valuable information, but we also may be demonstrating just how badly we listen by asking a question that has just been answered.
- Even if we are in the moment and focused, we may literally be squirming for an opportunity to ask more questions rather than experiencing a silent moment. If we have asked a deep question, we need to be listening to the answer rather than quickly responding with a follow-up question.
It seems so obvious. Why don’t we just pause more? The answer is quite simple: a pause in a conversation is not nearly as easy as it might seem. One of the biggest reasons why the pause is so difficult is because of our own internal clock. I use the term “clock” loosely because it doesn’t use the same measurement that a normal clock does. In fact, it’s a faster clock. If you don’t believe me, sit down with a friend and time the pauses you think you’re taking within your conversation. We are so uncomfortable with silences that our internal clock runs about three times faster than a real clock. What feels like three seconds to you is actually about one second on a real clock.
If the person you were speaking to was using your internal clock, I’d let this point go, but they use a real clock! What feels like a few seconds to you feels like a split-second to the person you’re talking to, so he or she feels like you haven’t heard a word they’ve said. Imagine a conversation that went like this:
You: If it isn’t too much trouble, I’d sure like to hear about that.
Person: I’ve never told anyone this before, but that part of my life worries me.
You: (In a split second) Why do you feel that way?
Can you see how disingenuous that follow-up question would feel? For years now, I’ve tried to battle this problem with a secret weapon. That secret weapon is a metronome. I create scenarios that require deep, sometimes painful, questions. I allow those questions to be asked and answered. I set that metronome to a nice, easy beat, and when a response to a question is delivered, I force my clients to pause, and wait three beats before responding in any way. It can feel like an agonizingly long pause when in reality, it’s rarely longer than three seconds. How do we make the best use of those three seconds of time?
- With real eye contact.
- With facial expressions that mirror those of the person we are listening to.
- With a look showing that we are concentrating and actively listening to what is being said.
- With a true demonstration of empathy that comes naturally when we are truly processing the words that we have just heard.
When you allow yourself to experience “The Power of the Pause,” you will find yourself connecting at a deeper level with those you are communicating with. It might require a metronome, or perhaps just a good sense of rhythm, but with a little discipline, we can all get there!
Rob, this is such a good reminder for anyone communicating with anyone! How’s that for a general audience? I’ll keep this in mind each time I get up on stage or even communicating with someone during the day.
Thank you
Neil
Half the comments seem to be stage related because a lot of people who post are speakers. I smell a part two coming next! In the meantime, keep this one in mind when you are “communicating with someone during the day.” Particularly if you are asking the tougher questions. Great hearing from you Neil.
Rob, this is one of my favorite BLArticles to date. So many of us can use this wisdom and/or be reminded of it. The pause IS powerful — in speaking, pausing long enough for the other person (or audience) to process what was just said. I just recorded a new intro video for my website and the director kept reminding me to slow down (This reminded me to add a few pauses as well) — yet another use of the powerful pause.
Your tip makes the pause applicable for everyone reading this. We’re all hardwired differently and we all have varying degrees of emotional intelligence. This one practice is sure to boost anyone’s emotional intelligence and make them more engaging and thoughtful. Great stuff here, my friend.
Your words are surely appreciated. I would guess the Power of the Pause helps a guy like you when you are interviewing guests on your TV show. Thanks so much for posting Steve.
Rob…………..thank you!
………..really, thank you.
Timely . ?
K
Glad to help. I like those pauses you took in your comment! Thanks for posting Kerry.
Rob
Thanks for another great article.
When i read for the second time, i was thinking
your pause = patience+self-restraint? broadly.
Thank you – have a good week end.
Harry
I ALWAYS learn something from you Harry when you post. When you are dealing with a more emotional conversation, pause = patience + empathy. Keep posting Harry!
As always, good thoughts. Now, imagine if we put the 3 second pause before hitting “send” on email. That’s another place where I am guilty as charged. Pause. Pause. Pause. Perhaps our hypertext, hyperventilated world feels it does not have permission to… Pause.
Thanks, Rob!
Great thought about those emails. My problem is I get so many that I get a bit numb and mindlessly respond. I like YOUR idea of pausing there too. Thanks so much for your post Eileen.
Good article. I liked it very much. In thinking about the pause during conversation, I find that I also use it and it works. Just as an additional thought that may go hand in hand with the pause, i find that I sometimes will stretch a word as I am saying it and take the time to complete the thought and find the right word to continue with. Just thinking.
That stretch you speak of is another way of filling the gap between words. Stay in the moment, maintain eye contact, and you’ll pause like a champion! I always like seeing these posts from you Victor.
You know, I almost ran past this one. Taking a pause can take in more than just a conversation between two people. The pause can also be in the all-night match with any thorny issue in life you happen to be currently grappling with. Bell. Water. Cut closer…
Glad you paused for this one. You’re right; a pause is a great way to slow life down. Hang in there Edia.
Rob,
Thank you for your observations.
I did not realize my speed to reply to someone (which I thought was a sign of commitment) could actually be damaging my ability to communicate. Without having that pause there, I see now that statements or questions we intend to have a deep impact get lost in the din of noise.
Instead I will now try accepting the pause as a meaningful part of the conversation, hopefully leading to more meaningful and pleasant communication. The mind, which (if one is like me) goes at breakneck speed when really interested, needs to slow down in order to fully appreciate the there and now of a conversation.
Thanks again, looking forward to your next post.
I won’t let you down my friend. Speed is a funny thing. In certain situations slowing down is powerful, but on the phone, where you can’t be seen, it can betray you. Nice to see you posting Manu!
Silence can be very productive if used carefully. I remember the first time I heard the term, “pregnant pause.” Over the years, I’ve used that and your four tips of things to do while pausing those three seconds. It’s magical.
Thanks for the reminder!
Well, being the southerner I know you are, I’m pretty sure those pregnant pauses come naturally to you. For me, a northerner, I have to slow that internal clock down or I’ll race right through those pauses. Thanks for posting Mickey!
Thanks for the great article! “Pause” is under-rated in a fast-paced modern society, although it is a part of communication skills. I’ll practice it for sure.
It’s logical, but it’s not instinctive. It takes practice, particularly when we are squirming to jump into a conversation. Great to see your post Hui!
Great Blarticle! You are right! If we take the time to pause and make sure that we are showing empathy and concern for the other person, then they will know that we care. Eye contact is so important to make someone feel listened to and appreciated.
Bingo. Eye contact. It’s sure easier to make eye contact when you are listening rather than talking, and processing what is heard rather than rushing in with another question. Thanks for posting Melissa.