It’s common knowledge that the art of effective communication lies in our ability to ask questions and listen. I’m sure I didn’t just tell you something you haven’t heard before, but why is it so many people struggle with this simple concept?
For years, I’ve tried to reinforce the necessity of asking questions. I’ve gone so far as to carry tape recorders to my seminars just to prove to people that they are not asking as many questions as they may think. The exercise is this: I ask people to pair up, and each take five minutes trying to sell something to each other. I tell them that it is merely an exercise to monitor their particular communication style, but it is actually an exercise in counting the number of questions the other is asking.
When the exercise has been completed, we talk about the importance of asking questions. The students go back and count the number of statements versus the number of questions and return with a ratio.
Ideally, I’m hoping for a 1:1 ratio, but in reality, anything around three statements for every question or under is acceptable. That ratio allows us to track the percentage of time those we are communicating with are talking versus the percentage of time we are talking.
I’ve come to realize that although the exercise provides some strong indicators of success, the exercise is flawed for two reasons. First, too many questions may be worse than no questions at all. There are those individuals who proudly announce that they have asked 30 questions. That’s thirty questions… in five minutes! Sounds pretty intense to me. Was that a conversation or an interrogation? We’re not using questions as a weapon; merely a way to engage others in conversation. A ratio like this indicates the overuse of questions that require a “yes” or “no” response, or what is commonly referred to as closed questions. Imagine a conversation that went like this:
“Hi. It’s nice to finally meet you. Do you like this restaurant?”
“Yes.”
“Are you hungry?”
“Yes, uh, yes I am.”
“Isn’t the weather warm this time of year?”
“Oh yes, uh, it’s really warm!”
We could let a conversation like that continue painfully, and it would score well in our statements versus questions ratio, but it could hardly be viewed as an effective conversation. Closed questions might be a great way to confirm information, or to test understanding, but it is not the way to warm up a conversation.
But the bigger problem seems to affect those who are actually doing far better than the ratio might indicate. We want to make it comfortable for the other person to respond to our questions. Questions that can’t be answered with a “yes” or “no” are referred to as open questions, and they are typically used to help open up a more reserved individual, or to help others to expand on the information being provided. Early in a conversation, open questions are wonderful when the conversation has the potential to be the most awkward. Imagine a conversation that goes like this:
“Hi. It’s nice to finally meet you. Everyone has a story. I’d love to hear yours.”
“Yes… I mean, well, it’s funny that I’m even here to today. I never thought I’d leave my hometown, but as they say, sometimes you don’t find your career; it finds you. I was working for a small company when one day…”
Now, let’s go back to that classic exercise to measure communication effectiveness that counts the number of questions being asked. With the use of multiple open questions, that classic ratio might be somewhat unbalanced, but is the conversation itself unbalanced? The answer is no, and that’s why I have become such a big fan of chess clocks.
A typical chess clock has two buttons and two clocks. When these clocks are used to measure a conversation, I have students use one clock to measure the amount of time they are talking and the other to measure the amount of time the other person is talking. At the end of a role-play, the students are left with a much more accurate measurement of who is doing most of the talking. Now a 1:1 time ratio really means something!
How do you keep your questions open, and thereby allow others to speak freely? If you start a sentence with words like “tell, describe, what, why, and how,” your questions will be open. On the flipside, if you start your sentences with words like “do, are, is, if, or can,” your questions will be closed, and the responses will be choppy and short.
Mark Twain once said:
“The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter – ‘tis the difference between the lightening bug and the lightening.”
All you really need to do is focus on the first word out of your mouth and you’ll not only be using the right word, but you’ll also be building the right question. Who knew such a simple device could provide such an accurate indicator of how well we communicate with others?
Great BLArticle, Rob! Very focused, and something that people can put to use in practically any context. Thanks for presenting it so clearly!
Any trick I can think of I’ll use because there is no more fundamental principal of communication – everyone believes they are asking those questions and listening – and it becomes the first blindspot in how we interact. Great hearing from you Nick!
Rob,
Your Blarticle makes total sense to me – I can see the value of keeping track of how much talking we do versus letting the other person talk. I can also see how this concept might be helpful in my marriage. My wife thinks I am a great listener when I’m at “work,” but all bets are off when I’m home. She would be thrilled with me if I could listen to her more and ask questions about what she talks about. Thanks for making me think about this, and the many applications it might have.
Well Ron, I’ll be the first to admit that for me there is a business side of me, and a home side of me. I’m thrilled that chess clock doesn’t follow me home… but then again, there’s a formal side of me at work that doesn’t follow me home either. Safe to say, we can all do a better job asking better questions at home, just like at work. Thanks for posting Ron!
As usual, you knocked it out of the park (another sports analogy to go with the chess)! I have a relative who often does the interrogation-type questions. She has toned it down somewhat, but it’s painful when you’re being grilled and all we’re doing is setting up a family get-together! But I digress. BTW, I need one of those chess clocks () so I’m not the only one asking leading questions to open up the conversation, and it can be a real tennis match with the ball lobbed back and forth. GREAT BLArticle, Rob!!!!!
Agreed. Step one is to ask questions, (and listen to the answers,) but step two is to ask the right kinds of questions. I’m sure you would be amused when the see the competitive side of this particular exercise being run in business. When I “chess clock a room” it’s not uncommon to have ten conversations and ten clocks going at once. Because I frequently work with salespeople, imagine the competitive nature of these people furiously all pounding on those plungers to finish speaking and get the other person’s clock to run. I often have to tone down the energy, but truth=be=told, it makes me smile. Thanks for posting Sarah!
Wonderful blarticle. It cuts to the chase. Excellent and very focused. The point is, what is driving the questions? Is it not to get certain kinds of information? It’s purposeful asking, not just to make the self “feel good” or “look superior”. As Twain suggested…lightening.
Great point Edia. What drives the questions? Are they questions to just ask questions, or are they questions that promote trust, or urgency, or understanding? If we just help others to paint their particular picture, and stay out of the way, it’s a great conversation. Always great hearing from you Edia.
Love the Mark Twain quote — and the
BLArticle!
Here’s a catchy Rudyard Kipling poem-ditty
that helps to conjure those open-ended questions… and perhaps make us more thoughtful and curious lifelong-learners:
“I keep six honest serving men
(They taught me all I knew);
Their names are What and Why and When
And How and Where and Who.”
I always appreciate a good post, and a good poem! Those names smack of a lesson or two from English class, and the dreaded topic sentence. I love those key words that direct open probes, but to this day I question the need for all of them in the first paragraph of a story! But you hit it on the head when you used the word, “curious.” Why can’t we just be a little more genuinely curious when we talk with others? Thanks for posting Will!
Nicely done here! I think that many lawyers could benefit from reading this article and applying the concepts. Perhaps chess clocks should be required in all law firm associate offices to measure listening and help keep track of billable hours.
Your post echoes some similar themes as those presented in this article on the art of advice giving that your readers may find useful: http://www.entrepreneur.com/article/245803.
Now there’s a funny site; meeting with a lawyer and seeing that chess clock ticking away. I suppose each time we see the lawyer take a call, or a sip of water, we can hit the clock to keep that time from running down! F.Y.I., I’ve conducted numerous workshops for larger law firms that deal with moving clients past their fear of change, and taking action on potential legal issues they do not want to address. They are not the easiest crowds to work with, but they keep me on my toes!! Great hearing from you Adam, and thank you for posting that link to that article.
Good piece, Rob. The only piece that’s missing it the listening angle of the questioner. I’ve seen too many people ask questions for the sake of asking questions without spending time to take a second to think about the response. Perhaps an upcoming BLArticle (R) can focus on that – how to effectively listen to the questioned responses.
I think you know from working with me that when I stack rank the three most important ways to communicate, asking questions and listening come in together at number one. Making statements is number two! I’ve written a few BLArticles® over the years but if you’ll pardon the shameless plug, in my book, How to Change Minds, (available everywhere and an audio book too!) you’ll read about, “The Four A’s of Trust.” There’s a lot written about listening in that particular section. Thanks for the post Fred!
Thanks Rob, Great BLArticle. Recently I have been coaching my sales team on asking the right questions and using a sales process when with prospects and clients. This BLArticle will be a good resource for the team to use. Great stuff Rob!
Want to know another way to help that team of yours? Have THEM sign up for the BLArticle®! As we both know, asking questions seems easier than it actually is, and asking the right questions requires more practice than we actually believe is necessary. But if we don’t ask the right questions, the entire selling process is diminished. Great hearing from you Dave!
Rob….what you described in this great BLArticle…is why I started producing a T.V. program called “Communicating Today”…many years ago! Effective communication skills – are one of the major underlying problems in the world today…..among people….among countries….among religions…among nationalities…etc., etc.! So the problem goes even beyond the “business” focus of this particular great BLArticle….! You’re an amazing COMMUNICATOR, Rob!
John M.
“C.T.”
Having been on your show a few times I can say with certainty you are an amazing TV host! Helping audiences learn how to communicate more effectively is what we are both about. Those chess clocks are a simple way to measure just how effective we are. Great hearing from you John!
“Hi. It’s nice to finally meet you. Everyone has a story. I’d love to hear yours.”
What a great way to start a conversation with a stranger. I think I’ve heard this approach before, but it’s really nice to have this refresher come from a professional like yourself. I really like how open ended it is and inviting. Thanks for the tip about starting questions with “tell, describe, what, why, and how.” When put into context with the Mark Twain quote, it explains a lot for me. Thanks again!
Nice to meet you as well. I originally heard, “Everyone has a story…” from a tremendous salesman in Florida. He could put any client at ease and begin to understand that client’s personality. Socials would go on and on – Dominants would give very short answers – Analyticals would provide specific details. This would allow him to respond based on that client’s personality. A lot going on with that question, and those clocks. Great hearing from you Eduardo!