There are few things that are indisputable when trying to learn about another individual. It all begins with trust. Here’s what I know to be true:
- No one is going to open up to another individual if they don’t trust him or her.
- Trust is earned.
- Trust is earned by asking questions, and listening.
- The questions that are asked must be sincere, and must allow individuals to tell “their story.”
I recently had a conversation with my buddy Bubba, a salesman whom I’ve known for over twenty years. He is one of the best salesmen I’ve ever met. We were talking about questions we can ask that help to build trust between people, and questions that allow us to learn volumes about another person. He shared a question that I found to be the best question I’ve ever come across.
Now, before I present you with the best question I’ve ever come across, I should probably mention the two characteristics of a very good question.
First, it should be an open question. Open questions are questions that cannot be answered with a simple “yes” or “no.” When asking questions and trying to create trust, we are not “interrogating” another individual. Open questions require a more thoughtful response from those who are answering it, and the more someone talks, the more they like the person they are talking to.
Second, it should be a question that did not involve a particular problem. Don’t get me wrong, at some point we will ask questions that are not as comfortable to answer, but those questions have to wait until trust has been established.
So we know that if we are going to use questions to create trust, those initial questions are critical. That’s why the simplicity and effectiveness of the following question resonated so deeply within me. The question was this:
“Everyone has a story. I’m interested in listening to yours. Could you tell me your story?”
You would be amazed at where that question can lead. The answer to that particular question can provide an instant window into another person’s personality, just by the depth of his or her response. The answer to that question can provide information that someone may rarely tell another individual. The truth is that people want to tell other people their story. The beauty of this question is that it’s non-threatening to the people you’re asking; they can answer with as much or as little depth as they feel comfortable.
The next time you are in a situation where you really want to get to know another person, and you want to begin to create trust, ask that question. Then settle back, and listen carefully. There’s no telling where the story might end up, but conversation will end in a deeper level of trust. Thanks Bubba.
Brilliant!! Perhaps without being aware of it, on occassion I have asked, or been asked, some form of that question. My negotiations with clients that I have shared stories with seem to result in more satisfactory results for both parties.
I plan to try this approach on a more consistent basis!
You know the expression: “Don’t ask!” often said by an older Jewish person when they know what their story is and they want you to sit and listen. Or do you? So, be ready for whatever comes along. Your listening may be all that is necessary to assist the other person in thinking through their issues at hand. When they hear themselves, the ahha moment can appear. They answered their own question because you gave them the opportunity.
That’s a great blog topic. Funny thing: I was a business dinner a month ago with people I didn’t know. We started talking and somehow the topic of perception versus reality came up. I told the group that they probably perceive me one way, but in fact I have an “interesting life story” – actual quote. I shared my story with them and then everyone started telling theirs. We were supposed to go to hockey game and ended up staying at the table for over 2 hours. Now we’re all doing business together.
At every level of success, people will open up when asked that question…….I was introduced to a retired chairman of a major corporation and he happens to be Italian and I asked him how he got to the position he is in life now. It all revolved around the first time he saw his wife in Naples….after graduating college, he went back to the home country, met her, came back to NY and found a job with a company that had operations in Italy, so he could eventually go back. That company took him to S. America first, and then to Europe and he married that young girl years later. He became president of that company and then chairman/CEO of their largest competitor. It started a relationship that I would never have dreamed of…..please tell me your story is powerful….
Rob, hope all is well. “Can you tell me yours?” Sounds like a direct questiopion. What do you think? How about yours? Give me a call. I like what you are doing!
Larry Domonkos