Part One – The 90-10 Rule
In business, as well as in life, there are certain cycles most of us go through. There is the thrill of being hired for a new job, and the joy of being wanted and appreciated. But part of the cycle is “breaking up” and moving from one job to another. Gone are the days when that first job ended with a 50-year celebration and a gold watch. Much like the end of a marriage, sometimes these breakups are easy and sometimes they are not. And every now and then, they are downright cruel.
This cruelty can create a hole in our hearts, and even worse, it can leave us bitter and confused. When we have been treated unfairly and we have been asked to leave, it is crushing and painful. These breakups often stem from intense, dysfunctional relationships, and it’s not easy to move on after something like that.
The worst part of all is what happens next. We carry this confusion, pain, and anger with us, and before long, it infects our spirit. It makes us cynical, and impedes our happiness. Even if you haven’t lived through this, you’ve certainly seen it. When someone is going through a breakup, any conversation you have with that individual will eventually take you to the sadness and the darkness that he or she is feeling. One story leads to another, and another, and each one will bring with it a deeper level of rage.
This not something I hypothesize about, or have viewed only through the eyes of others. Twenty-five years ago, I went through my own breakup from a manager who simply was not a good person. Enough said. I too was held hostage by my own anger and feelings. I was never aware of the power this anger held over me until someone would innocently ask me about the person who damaged me so deeply. No matter how free I thought I was, I’d be right back to square one – furious and depressed. Part of the scars we carry are self inflicted because of our inability to move past this pain. It can throw us in a free fall of despair and pity, and even worse, it can keep us from moving to the next place we are meant to be.
I can confidently tell you that there is a way out. There are two things you must do, and if you do them, you will be free. To begin with, you must put away the victim card, and ask yourself this question: “What could I have done differently to have avoided this situation?” Yes, you have been wronged, and yes, you have a right to be angry. But no matter how you spin it, there is no scenario that places the full blame of a breakup squarely on only one person’s shoulders. There is a lesson to be learned, and if you learn it, you will not only take the first step to healing, you’ll be rewarded by never making that mistake again.
It’s not unusual for people, particularly for those who have gone through a recent breakup, to struggle with this step. In those cases, I recommend adding a small filter to the question. Permit me to add that filter and ask the question again: “Assuming you are 90% correct and without fault, what would be the 10% that you can take responsibility for?” When you are able to answer this question you will turn this misery into an opportunity to evolve. You’ll feel an immediate weight being lifted from your shoulders.
A person can, and will, move past this chapter in his or her life, but not without taking the first step necessary to remove this burden. They’ll need to accept a certain level of responsibility. In doing so, they will not only learn something about who they are, but they’ll also be able to share this hard earned lesson with others.
We’re halfway there. In part two of this BLArticle®, I will have a much easier assignment, but one that requires a different form of discipline. Stay tuned.
Simple concept if one can step outside and see themselves in action during the “breakup phase”. There are opportunities in all situations. We learn from our mistakes only if we recognize they were our mistakes . First awareness, then acceptance, then strategize new beginning, then take action toward new result.
Thanks for the compassion.
Yes, a simple step on paper, but I’ve seen people hold onto the victim card for decades. What’s more, that victim card begins to get played in other situations in life with other people, and businesses. To me the awareness is knowing what you could have done differently. Thanks for the insight Isabel!
This fits in really well with the classic stages of traumatic impending change–anger, denial, bargaining, acceptance. As you note, Rob, we often get stuck in the first two or pathetically get caught in the third–what you’re offering here is a way to deal with denial and move toward acceptance. Having been through this dance myself, it’s important during the breakup phase to have a path forward–even while working to understand the context of the dysfunctional situation one is leaving.
You’ve got that right Nick. That path can get a lot clearer when we understand the mistakes we made, and commit to the lessons they can teach us. It sure makes planning that path forward a lot more successful. It would be a pretty bad path if it once again leads us to the same dysfunctional situation we’ve left behind… and I’m sure we both know others who get trapped in that cycle. Great hearing from you Nick!
Hi Rob,
Some of the best chapters in my career followed a difficult breakup from a boss or company I didn’t respect. I learned many lessons through those experiences, so it actually made me better not bitter. Your hardest times in life often lead to the greatest moments of your life. There are two primary choices in life: accept conditions as they exist or accept the responsibility for changing them. I look back occasionally and smile at the decisions I made and I’m much happier now. Life goes on….
Neil Wood
“Better, not bitter.” Those are three words I’m going to remember Neil because it sums up that BLArticle®. It’s a glass half full stretch, but in a sense these situations can be viewed as beneficial when the lessons are learned, we are “better” for learning them, and we can help others learn them as well. I always learn something from you Neil!
“Better not bitter” . . . great comment!
I agree Suzanne. “Better, not bitter.” I wish I had titled it that way. Neil is a very positive guy and one of the most optimistic people I have ever met. Glad to hear you picked up on that Suzanne.
Powerful stuff, Rob! As someone once said, bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping the OTHER guy will die. I like the 90/10 analysis as well!
Well there’s ANOTHER line I think I’m going to borrow! “Bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping the OTHER guy will die.” So true. As for the 90-10 Rule, it really does allow us a way in to push back the bitterness and focus on our own role in the breakup. Thanks for that post and that quote!
Rob, I know firsthand this dilemma, having been through it very recently. It took an outsider with a little different perspective to snap me out of it. I am glad they had the courage to tell me I was not being fair to myself for not seeing the situation as you have so effectively described here. Great advice! Neal, I too like the “better not bitter” comment. (I will give you credit for a while. ;)) Don’t be surprised when you hear it in the program I deliver on “The Psychology of Change”. Thanks to you both!
That’s some outsider! Being consumed by the anger a breakup can cause puts us in that unconscious incompetent camp; and that’s not good. Outsiders like our friends, and family can move us to the next stage. Understanding our part of it is step one, but there’s one more step to go. Stay tuned. Thanks so much for posting Greg!
Spot on once again Rob! I too had this happen back in 2013. I had loved my job for 12 years and fell victim to large scale corporate cost cutting that started with Sr. Management. That being said I found that being in this situation is like being stuck in a traffic jam when you are en route to an appointment or meeting (even if you have left plenty early). This is something that is really out of your control . . . getting frustrated and angry does not help matters and more importantly it does not change anything!
That being said I have tried to live my life under the belief of “Adopt, Adapt and Improve”. Understand what has happened, move on and look for something better. As Lee Ioccoa one said “If you are not moving forward you are falling behind. That philosophy has enabled me work hard to find a better job and ultimately I did just that. There will always be good (and sad) memories of what once what was but I like to focus on the good ones!
Thanks for another thoughtful post Rob!
“Adopt, Adapt and Improve.” Fantastic words of advice Tom. It seems that most who are chiming are chiming in from personal experience. It seems like a breakup isn’t really bad luck; it’s part of life. I’ll remember those words you posted Tom. I really appreciate you spending a moment to share them with us.
Although I have read virtually every blarticle you’ve written over the last several years I must confess this is the first one I’ve felt compelled enough to respond to. Having not only experienced the success of your advise in my own life I’ve unfortunately witnessed what happens when someone close to me chose not to follow this road less traveled. Too often we allow our egos to to play that “victim card” you so accurately refer to. Well said, Rob.
PS. Nice to know even the Mayor of Happyville experiences his share of sadness. More than you’ll know, your honesty and humility helps the rest of us come out the other side a little bit easier. Not to mention happier.
You’ve outed the Mayor of Happyville. I smell another BLArticle®…
Great to hear that you’ve been following these BLArticles® and that this one hit home. I’m not sure there is a greater tragedy in life then a life lived as a victim. How in the world can we evolve if we’ve never made a mistake? Want to know how you can identify a professional victim? Once you’ve heard the story of woe, ask this question: “If you could do it over again is there anything you would do differently?” If the answer is “no” you have your answer. So great to hear from you Dolly. Don’t be a stranger!
Rob – very ‘sensitive’ subject. Can’t wait for Part II !! Enjoyed reading some of the ‘right-on’ comments of your responders. You have a very bright, knowledgeable, introspective group of followers! (You guys can pay me later!) That’s expected….when our BLArticle guy’s in the same category!
Don’t know what else I can add – to what’s already been said – except to say – in my 45 years in the business world – I’ve been ‘through the mill’ several times. It can be very aggravating, discouraging and frustrating…leaving us in a “why me?” situation. Following the ‘Golden Rule”, and having some faith in a Power greater than ourselves – certainly can’t hurt.
I guess I can summarize it best – by saying………”That’s life!”
JM
“C.T.”
I’m quite sure the BLArticle® posters appreciate your comment. I’m also well aware of your belief in the Monsul Gold Rule: “Do one to others as you have them do unto you.” You see; I’ve been listening! Thanks for posting John… as always.
As said, what great comments from those following your a particles. I fortunately have always worked for myself, but always learning from all of you!
Interesting. I’ve been working for myself for 22 years now and although I rarely get into a breakup situation with the boss, (me), I’ve had some major clients breakup with me over the years. Mergers, politics, personality conflicts, you name it, and each breakup presents its own unique challenges. But the ones that hurt the most seem to teach the most. Thanks so much for posting Brian.
Good article, Rob. I am about ready to wind down a client that I’ve had for over 8 years. The timing is right to make the change and we’ve both agreed to do so for many of the right reasons. At this juncture, I’m reminding myself that when one door closes, another two or three will open. I’ve put together a transition plan (something new) to ensure that I accelerate my access to new opportunities and take advantage to grow my business based on the hundreds of contacts I’ve made from this client over the course of the engagement. I’ve chosen not to spend anytime on the “loss” but to focus 100% on the new business I’ll gain from this opportunity.
Nice. Well, you have a head-start on the next BLArticle®. Stay tuned. But I firmly agree with the one door closing theory you speak of. Take those lessons you’ve learned from this experience and keep moving. Great opportunities await you my friend! Thanks for posting Fred.
I love what you say about the 90-10 rule. Even taking responsibility for the smallest mistake can do a lot to diffuse a tense and hostile situation.