Part Two – Let It Go
Steinbeck’s Reverend Jim Casy and his immortal words of wisdom.
Part one of this BLArticle® series outlined the pain and anger that goes along with a bad breakup, whether it be from a friend, a spouse, a manager, or a company. Assigning full blame to someone else and telling story after story describing the wrongs that have been committed, can have serious ramifications: Not only does it deplete your energy, but it also limits your opportunity to evolve. The first step to recovery is honestly accepting some responsibility for what happened, and finding the lesson that you can learn from the experience.
The second step sounds easier than the first step, and it is relatively simple, but you’ve got to commit to it. This next step is simply this:
Let it go.
If holding on to your anger would somehow punish those who inflicted this pain, or make the ache go away, I’d tell you to hold on to it for all its worth. But it doesn’t.
Let it go.
Trust me when I say this: No one – even those who really care about you – wants to hear the stories, but many do want to hear about your recovery.
Let it go.
Each time you tell “the stories,” you force yourself to relive the pain of the past. You also continue to give the power to the entity that created this pain.
Let it go.
You’ve learned the lesson that came from this event. You are not a victim, and you’ve accepted your share of the responsibility. You don’t need to study it, or recite your stories to anyone, including yourself, ever again.
Let it go.
It’s time to focus on the future and let go of the past.
Think how extraordinary it would be to hear these words from someone who is going through a personal or business break up: “It was a difficult experience, and many things that happened were not particularly nice, but some of the responsibility fell on my shoulders as well. I’ve learned from this experience, and I’ve moved on.”
When you hear someone say that, you’re not hearing the voice of a victim. You’re hearing the voice of a healthy human being who has evolved and is prepared for the next steps that life has in store.
You are not a prisoner of the past. It doesn’t matter how abusive the situation you are coming from was, and it doesn’t matter how battered you may feel. Learning from your mistakes, and letting go of your anger, will set you free. As for those who have wronged us, there is wisdom in the saying by one-time preacher Jim Casy in The Grapes of Wrath: “Maybe there ain’t no sin and there ain’t no virtue, they’s just what people does. Some things folks do is nice and some ain’t so nice, and that’s all any man’s got a right to say.”
Learn, evolve, and let it go.
Moving on takes acceptance in that it happend, I had something to be responsible for in the interaction and I can accept it. If I was wrong I admit this to myself or the person, ask for their perspective as a learning experience. We all see things differently so be prepareded for a different take .
Moving out of the past and into the present to make your way to future opportunities takes a deep breath. Spencer Johnson’s book: The Present is a good source.
Oh there’s always a different take from those who go through this highly emotional situation. Taking some responsibility is the only way to be able to let it go, but it’s harder than it sounds. Time helps, but I’m more concerned about those who become martyrs from these breakups and develop a victim mentality. “I did nothing wrong” never works for me. Thanks for posting Isabel!
Rob,
I totally agree with your viewpoint. It was great to hear you bluntly state that NO ONE wants to hear it. You are right! People try to be polite by listening to someone tell their war stories but they don’t want to hear it. I also like that you get that people often think that by talking about the breakup it will help them to figure out what happened somehow. It really doesn’t help.
I look forward to your next Blarticle!
Best,
Allison
Let it go . . . what a great life mantra to live by.
I can hear Paul McCartney’s voice in my head, “Let it go, let it go, let it go, oh let it go. There will be an answer, let it go.” I agree; not a bad mantra at all. Great hearing from you Suzanne.
Rob:
As usual, great advice. As you say, “it sounds easier” but the only simple thing is holding on to some part of the pain. Maybe the only way to let go is to not speak of it at all, except maybe to a spouse or counsellor. It is a rare person who can speak of a bad past in a positive way. Best to focus on the future.
First, thank you for those kind words. You pose an interesting question when you write, “Maybe the only way to let go is to not speak of it at all, except maybe to a spouse or counsellor.” When I went through my breakup 22 years ago I knew I was healed when I could speak to my friends about it. I felt empowered knowing this memory no longer had power over me. Learning from your mistakes, and letting go is clearly the key here… but it takes time too. Thanks for much for posting Tom.
Rob,
Once again you have provided insightful and motivational advice that makes a person one with whom others want to associate – because you bring energy and “in the moment” attitude to the room. No one says it’s easy, but it is essential. Thanks again.
Rob, I think it’s a matter of ‘degree’! If you’re ‘partially’ at fault, and helped caused the problem, then it’s easier to ‘let go’…and, as we all agree….just ‘move on’ – and say…”heck – I helped cause the problem”.
But, if you were ‘totally wronged’ – then I think it’s more difficult to ‘let go’. You feel hurt…betrayed…willfully wronged…and it’s not so easy to just say….”ok., let’s just ‘forgive and forget’…and just ‘move on’.
It’s the old “1 to 10 scale”…the old ‘grey scale’….a matter of degree…!
…..although, the old Biblical Story…of Jesus dying on the Cross….when He said……..
……”Father…forgive them…for they know not what they do…..!”
That was the ultimate act of forgiveness.
JM
“C.T.”