One of the benefits of being raised by a marine was that I was taught the meaning of courage. My father was a corpsman in not one, but two, wars, and the courage he displayed was beyond imagination. At an early age, my father demanded that I learn how to be courageous. I was willing to do anything to win my father’s favor, so I eagerly complied. This trait was instilled in me, and it is something I’m fiercely proud of. It has served me well… most of the time.
When I was pushed, I pushed back; when I was shouted at, I shouted back; and when I had the right answer, I fought like heck to be heard. But each push, shout, and fight came at a cost. The most severe of which was the cost of being right.
It’s amazing how many business schools miss this simple message. As a business major at the University of Maryland, I learned the principles of business, economics, accounting, statistics, and so much more. One thing I was never taught was about the real-world politics of business. Without a teacher, I was left to my own instincts, and the instincts of my father. Those instincts served him well in the marines. They also served him well in his career as a salesman. He was a damn good salesman, but he never really had to deal with corporate politics. When you work for an organization that is driven by sales, and you outsell those around you as he did, there are no politics.
I had no use for company politics, and took pride in being known as a guy who would never be silent when he knew he was right. I welcomed the price for being right because I knew the courage it took to do so. I battled management when I knew I was right, and I battled my coworkers when I knew I was right. I might even dare to admit that a part of me, deep down inside, enjoyed it. One of my favorite sayings was this: When I’m no longer on this earth, they are going to put on my tombstone: “This man never backed down when he knew he was right!” I wore my beliefs like a badge, and I carried that mantra with an enormous level of satisfaction. I was wrong.
I felt that others viewed me as a courageous person, and I thought I was respected because I had the nerve to say what I believed. Looking back now, I’m quite sure many did not view me in that way. I believe I was viewed as a person who did not fit into the machinery of the corporation, and therefore, I was an obstruction to the organization. The corporation put up with me because I worked hard and consistently exceeded the expectations that were placed on me to do my job, but the truth is, I was operating within an uneasy truce with those around me. I became disenchanted with the tension that being right seemed to create in others, so I became an entrepreneur. If you ask me why I left Xerox, I know that I could give you any number of reasons why. The real truth is that I left Xerox so I could be right.
For those who want to pay the price for being right by either leaving, or feeling the indignity of being asked to leave, it seems that a common answer is to become an entrepreneur. It’s an answer, but it isn’t necessarily the right answer. In my case I wasn’t courageous, and I wasn’t right; I was lucky. If I could jump into the Way-Back-Machine and sit down with a young, starry-eyed Rob Jolles who was bound and determined on being right, I’d tell him a few things that he needed to hear.
- I’d tell him not to confuse the courage to stand up for what you believe in, with the proper time and place to take that stand.
- I’d tell him not to confuse the pride of ownership of an idea or belief, with the importance of being a functioning, supportive team player who can support the ideas of others.
- I’d tell him not to confuse supporting the second best idea with selling out.
- I’d tell him to stop focusing on what’s written on his tombstone, and instead, learn to focus on having the courage to be wrong sometimes.
When you go to a job interview, you want to be seen as someone who is a team player. You want to let them know you can support the ideas of others, and that you understand there is a time and place to be right. This is not taught in business school, and I cannot find a Way-Back-Machine. All I can do is work within the present and try and spare others the misfortune of confusing being right with being an asset to a company, and a team. Forget about tombstones, and remember that being right can come at a severe cost. If you’ve paid that price, learn from it and evolve. It’s never too late to learn how to be wrong.
Another outstanding column, Rob. I personally feel the profanity was unnecessary. You’re too good at what you do. You don’t need it.
You know, I mentor writers to be cautious about the language used. It’s rare for me to use it, but that said, there’s always other ways to get your point across. The word in question has been removed. Thanks so much Laurie for bringing to my attention, and for your kind words.
Rob,
This article was very insightful and seems to me very courageous of you to write. I can definitely relate. Thank you for sharing. I would only add that one may be wrong in labeling the “second best idea.” That may be the best idea for the organization after all.
Best,
Adam
You bet Adam. There’s nothing more dangerous then falling in love with an idea. Sometimes the second best idea is the best idea. Thanks for posting Adam!
Grasshopper….you grow wise with age !!!
Well, with age comes the joy of making a lot of mistakes. But when we get out of the victim chair, and try and learn from these mistakes, we do become wiser. Isn’t it interesting that we usually learn more from our mistakes, then our successes? Always great reading your posts Ron. Soon you will need to snatch this pebble from my hand!
I learned that in marriage counseling years ago. Sometimes it’s a matter of making a concession as a gift in the name of shalom bayit. It works in other relationships, too.
Agreed, and that concession often becomes the best idea anyway. That’s why marriage is often referred to as a partnership. It seems so logical, but unfortunately, it is not instinctive. Great hearing from you Bruce.
Rob – Good stuff! And, you’re right … it’s only learned through experience. I’ve found this has even more applicability with your marriage and family. You can’t leave and become an entrepreneur there. Jeff
That made me smile. I guess if you do leave a marriage and become a relationship entrepreneur you spend your life alone. I’m going with leaning towards backing off my idea and taking the second best idea from time to time. Thanks for posting Jeff!
Great read, to the point wisdom within experience and truth. I to was raised by a Marine Father, who was a Police Officer, and Honorable Judge. Courage, Integrity and Ethic was taught to me at a young age, as I practice today in every aspect of my life.
Wisdom, and sometimes silence can teach those around you allot more than your words sometimes. I too have faced similar instances in my life career. It’s nice to be able to look yourself in the eyes, and realize it’s not always about being right, being heard or making a hard impression. Each day, hour and minute I embrace the fact that I am still learning, and will continue. Bravo Robert, bravo!!
Way to bring that one to this forum Jenni. You aren’t the only one still learning. The day either one of us stops learning will be a dark day indeed. Additionally, I think understanding silence is a BLArticle® in itself. Grossly underestimated tactic. Thanks so much for sharing this with us!
Wonderful as always, Rob. Humility wins the day. Thank you for this message.
I say again, “If only we knew then, what we know now!” Well, we can certainly teach others can’t we, and what an act of kindness that becomes. Thanks so much for posting Leslie.
Thank you for your honesty. In that you are “right”. Madelyn Murray, the in-your-face-atheist of the 60s gave a speech one day at the U. of FL. I had never heard any one use such profanity to convince her listeners that they were wrong. The best remark of the day came when one sophomore raised his hand and said ” Ms. Murray. You may be right. but God help you if you are wrong.”
Today, there are too many voices shouting “I am right” at people who are different in beliefs, customs, and politics. The truth is, there is more than one right answer and it is only by listening, questioning, and considering can we come together on what might be an “almost right” answer.
It gets even more complicated when you look at this issue through a political lens. Then it becomes, “Whatever my political party says is right, and we’ll scorch the earth if you don’t agree or fight us on this issue!” For those who struggle with this, the challenge kicks into gear when we honestly believe we are right, not standing up for what we believe would be wrong, but understanding how and when to stand up for ourself would be pertinent. Thanks so much for posting Eileen.
The second hardest thing I’ve had to learn in my marriage is to admit when I’m wrong. The hardest thing I’ve had to learn in my marriage is to admit I’m wrong when I know I’m right. Almost 27 years and counting!
Bingo. The knowing I’m right factor is a rough one because it sometimes feels like we are weak, but like you, I contend it takes a lot more strength to be wrong then it does being right. Great hearing from you Tony!
Rob – Terrific, insightful, nuanced article. I totally agree with the thoughtful comments of those to date.
Thanks Michael. I sure wish someone had sat me down 25 years ago and gone over this particular point! Thanks for the post!
Thank you Rob for a perfect illustration of another imperative for success. 20 years ago I was always so determined to be ‘right’ that I would have argued against your premise. Today, I am able to observe and acknowledge that those who have obtained the most respect and success in the workplace are those who don’t confuse being knowledgable with the need to prove it.
It may connected to maturity, because it seems like so many bang into this when they are younger. But the danger still remains when we work for a new company or a dysfunctional company and we’re itching to make a name for ourselves. Suffice to say, we can quickly make the wrong name for ourselves if we aren’t careful! Thanks for the post Dave.
Life keeps a dear school…but we learn the most valuable lessons there.
Studying the past, as opposed to putting it in our rearview mirror sure helps. thanks for the post Edia!
Hi Rob, Another good column. Original word choice is still as it was and 1 more small error–but gosh, I’m asserting righteousness! Oh dear! Much of what your wrote rang true with my prior experience which we’ve discussed. It takes a lot of self-control to know when to hold back even if one passionately believes that one “is right.” In the end, unless it’s an extreme case of conscience, calibrating toward effectiveness and measuring doses of “being right” will achieve more progress than holding the line against the tide. Thanks as always for calling out an important issue.
I’m not really sure what you are referring to regarding word choice or small error, but I think we have it all fixed up. Being right is a major roadblock for so many. I’m glad this rang true for you. Thanks for posting Najwa.
Great Blarticle! How relevant! There is definitely more creativity when we have peace and harmony working together on a project.
Trying to prove to others that we are right can cost us in relationships. It is always best to decide what is the best way, time, and place to present our right idea or concept.
It takes a greater effort to come up with a persuasive way of helping the other person to see our perspective and perhaps, change their mind. Taking the time to think about their ideas can increase understanding, build teamwork, and produce innovative ideas.
Right on Melissa! Taking the time to think about someone else’s ideas can do all that you have suggested… including save our reputation and job. We all know if it’s a vital issue we can properly bring our teammates and management up to speed. But that’s the exception to the rule. The reality is we can support the ideas of others even if it isn’t our first choice. Thanks for posting!
This was a great article. I can identify with many of the things that you said. The hardest challenge for me in previous jobs was when legal compliance was part of my job and other stakeholders would not comply with these requirements. Sometimes when you are right and liability issues are at stake, one may have to be “pushy”, especially when persuasion and education do not work. This does not result in being popular and can also cause burnout. I have also found that once I was no longer in these jobs, that it can also sometimes be hard to break “the rightness habit” and get out of being on “automatic pilot” even when the stakes are not high.
Well said. This issue is not as black and white as I try to make it. When there is a liability issue, or we know something the team may not know, it is our responsibility to let others know. But we can do this in a respectful manner. As we learned when we were very young, sometimes the hard way, often it’s not what you say, but how you say it. Great post Debbie!
Hi Rob,
Another great, thought-provoking BLArticle, thanks! It’s interesting – I think that “being right” is something that tends to mellow with time. The question is, can we master the art of the “meaningful compromise” as opposed to “just any compromise”, which seems to be a roll-over position for many people.
But being open to compromise (and listening) is a great first step.
Nick
Ah, the art of compromise. Now you’ve open us up to another BLArticle®! Sometimes that “meaningful compromise” can be a bit elusive. Stay tuned. Thanks for the post, and the push Nick!