“I could have told you, but you had to learn this lesson on your own.”
How many times did you hear that phrase as a child, or as a young adult? How many times have you heard it as an adult? I’m not very fond of that phrase. Wait, that’s not strong enough: I detest that phrase.
The first time I heard that phrase was as a six-year-old child, and it didn’t come from my mother or father; it came from our television set. Once a year, The Wizard of Oz came on television, and it was a big deal! You knew it was coming weeks in advance, you gathered as a family to watch, and you savored every moment. The story was amazing, the switch to color was breathtaking, and the characters were unforgettable. As if it was yesterday, I do remember scratching my six-year-old head at the ending. To refresh your memory, Glinda, “The Good Witch,” finally reappears. She floats in, perched inside a giant bubble, and she seems ready to fix everything.
I was probably the only person on the face of the earth who was not a fan of Glinda, but I had my reasons. I wanted to jump over the rainbow, walk right up to that good witch and say this:
“Glinda, you sent Dorothy into the woods alone, even though Dorothy had a furious witch coming after her due to the accidental killing of the witch’s sister. You even felt the need to humiliate this angry witch right in front of the whole bunch of munchkins. You watched as Dorothy and her friends were burned, beaten, poisoned, and kidnapped by heinous flying monster monkeys. Other than making a little snow come down, you did nothing. What’s more, you sent her down this yellow brick road to a Wizard, who was really a fraud, and who, recognizing their horrible predicament, gave them an incredibly dangerous, impossible task based on a lie. Glinda, you finally decide to reappear only after the supposed Wizard botched the balloon getaway he had promised to Dorothy, and he left without her.
And wait for it; here’s that priceless exchange and lesson that ensued:
Dorothy: Oh, will you help me? Can you help me?
Glinda: You don’t need to be helped any longer. You’ve always had the power to go back to Kansas.
Dorothy: I have?
Scarecrow: Then why didn’t you tell her before?
Glinda: Because she wouldn’t have believed me. She had to learn it for herself.
Spoiler Alert:
Dorothy realized that everything she ever wanted was right in her own backyard. After all, she said this: “If it isn’t there, I never really lost it to begin with.” Glinda, rather pleased with herself, proclaimed that all Dorothy had to do was three clicks of her heels, and home she would go.
You have to learn it for yourself?!
That was my first memory of a phrase, and a lesson, that I continue to find just as ridiculous today as I did many years ago. Where is it written that lessons in life that bring pain, loss, fear, and far worse, cannot be explained to individuals beforehand?
I didn’t believe it when I was six, and I don’t believe it now. Not all lessons require pain and loss to be learned. You do NOT have to “learn it for yourself.” That’s what teachers are for, and that’s what mentors are for. We all know that making mistakes is a part of life – it’s a part of growing up. It’s a part of evolving as a person. But why would we consciously choose not to reach out and try and help those whom we parent, or work with, or manage, or simply care about, so that they can learn a lesson for themselves? That logic just doesn’t work for me.
We may not be able to control what others do with the lessons we present, but I will never shy away from clearly, and compassionately, trying to help others avoid the crushing consequences of having to learn a lesson for themselves. That’s what I’ve always loved about selling: Selling involves skillfully helping others to think ahead and to consider the “what if” scenarios to help fight life’s tough lessons. Sometimes that involves selling, and sometimes that involves telling, but more often then not, it involves courage.
Rob,
Loved the Blarticle, but what I love more is the fact that you’ve lived out this message with and for me since the day we first met. A person can have many friends over the course of their lives, and if they’re fortunate, they’ll find a few good Shepherds… Friends with courage enough to help shape the path’s of those they care about. Hit the jackpot with you, I did..
Color me grateful my friend –
JV
Mark this date down on your calendar as the day Rob Jolles was speechless. I’m moved by your comment and grateful for your kind words.
Rob,
Okay, I hear you…and the truth IS out there for the taking. We have more books and teachers than we ever could have imagined, but it’s still also true that we have to learn things for ourselves. Why? Because we are all too often not ready to learn from it. We believe we already know what is needed to be known. We have yet to be humbled. Sometimes it is only in our own personal experience and mistakes that we are humbled and ready to learn. Oh how I wish I had listened and learned from all the available truths and teachers in my younger years rather than learning the hard way 🙂
Thanks for posing this question/taking this stand. I still respectfully agree with the truth that we often have to learn from our mistakes.
For the record, I LOVE reading different opinions! I smiled when I wrote this BLArticle® because I could not imagine someone not disagreeing. So many lessons we do in fact learn on our own, and the true character of an individual flushes out when he or she learns from that mistake rather than becomes a victim of it. As a guy who has spent a career teaching the art of selling, I just wish more of us who are on the sidelines witnessing what we know will happen to others would not shy away from trying their hardest to help. So glad you posted that Lee!
I’m with you, Rob. I can distinctly remember turning to my parents following Dorothy’s profound observation after being asked “What have you learned, Dorothy?” and asking them: “What the hell does that mean?” Rather than explain the inexplicable, my parents sent me to my room.
I read this comment on my phone while walking down a hallway and burst out laughing. I wasn’t sent to my room, but I do remember my parents, and siblings being frustrated with me because I just wasn’t drinking the Kool-Aid. As one reader who sent me a private email said, “Maybe it would have made more sense if they reminded you it was just a dream!” Big picture: Belly up to the bar and have the courage to at least try and help others from making mistakes rather than waiting for some big lesson from the failure the mistake creates. Thanks for making me laugh Tony!
Hi Rob,
I agree, I think that is one reason why I as a recruiter, and many others, volunteer to help others with their job search at CNM. CNM and especially Bob K and others provide the tools, skills and encouragement to help other professionals avoid needless mistakes and transition to their next, best career opportunity as efficiently as possible. Thank you all!
Best, Mary
For those who do not know what CNM means, that Career Network Ministry, a non-denominational group that helps others who are seeking employment. I would think it would be vital for a recruiter to help a candidate NOT learn from his or her mistakes. Thanks for the post Mary!
Hey Rob,
Nice job! With regard to parenting, I do think there are an amazing number of parents who are guilty of parental malpractice by leaving their kids to “figure things out on their own.” Their are also a fair number of kids who refuse to listen to their parents. As parents, we are then often faced with the choice of rescuing them from bad decisions or letting them face the consequences, i.e. “figuring it out on their own”. Too much rescue = enabling. Too many consequences, if not preceded by teaching = non-parenting. Finding the balance is sometimes difficult, and why we get paid the big bucks as parents.
Great point! I think a class to teach parents how to sell would be fun someday. One of the problems might be that parents don’t know how to sell. When you take an idea and force it on somebody, that idea will not be listened to. But when you take that idea, and through asking questions and listening can let others feel as if they’ve found the solution for themselves, you will be far more successful. Make no mistake about it; that takes practice. Fantastic post Buzz!
I vividly remember giving a “fill in the missing words” review and was accused of “using a worksheet” by my supervisory teacher:never-taught detail about building that kind of test learned on my own too late.
I remember being told that my teaching in one math class was “weak” though it was a very well known fact that my own math skills were actually, in reality weak. Most of what I really learned I taught myself. I had learned absolutely nothing from either experience except that so much BS passes for parenting and teaching it is a wonder we learn anything at all.
Not great experiences there, and not the kind of mentors I’d want either. But that doesn’t mean all mentors, or teachers, or parents are ineffective. Don’t give up my friend. There are plenty out there who can help you find the answers you seek. Thanks for that honest post Edia.
Thank you, Rob. Great point and inspiration! Not all lessons require pain and loss to be learned. It reminds us of power of giving and power of acceptance. We do have the power to give whatever we have to make the world a better place, including help or lessons we offer others to eliminate or minimize the pain or loss they may suffer. We cannot control others’ acceptance except that of our own.
Great post. I read that last sentence three times. That sums it up. Whether someone acts on my advice is up to them, but I won’t shy away from making the attempt to help them. I guess it would have been a pretty short movie if Glinda had stepped up to the plate and helped Dorothy BEFORE she set off on that Yellow Brick Road! As always, thanks for a wonderful post Hui.
Hi Rob,
As a kid I’d always hear “no pain no gain” . I’ve always felt that having good advice from a parent, a friend, a coach or a mentor avoids the pain. I’d say , “give me a dose of Jolles ” because life’s too short.
Great topic my friend,
Regards,
Buddy
Thanks Buddy. I think you and I have been fortunate enough to have a good mentor in our lives. As a basketball/soccer coach working with kids for over 20 years I can tell you that the games we played were no more important then the lessons I wanted my players to learn. These were rarely sports lessons by the way. Thanks for the post, and the kind words my friend.
Did the World learn from the ‘mistakes’…of the First World War…..? NO…we suffered through an EVEN WORSE…Second World War….! God forbid…IF…we didn’t learn from the mistakes of the Second War…!!! Each new generation…has to learn…on its own…how to solve the problems of its OWN generation…!
…Evidentally…we DON’T LEARN…from our mistake…!
John M.
“C.T.”