Years ago, I worked on a contract with the Farmer’s Home Administration to help them automate their offices. There was a lot of technical training involved, and that meant a lot of study. However, it seemed the more I studied, the more there was to know. It was a humbling experience when I realized that for each class I taught, there would be questions I could not answer.
Over time, I learned how to answer questions when I didn’t know the answers. I’d pull out my yellow pad and I’d proclaim, “I’m not 100% sure of the answer to your question, and I want to be clear that I don’t know everything… but, I do know where to find the answers to everything! Let me quickly jot that question down and I’ll have an answer for you by tomorrow – if not sooner.”
Because the class was highly technical and the participants were highly analytical, once I provided that response, it seemed to calm the class down a bit. Ironically, I began to notice something: The less I confessed to know, the more respect they seemed to show me. As long as I was upfront with the group, the group seemed to be more trusting of the information that I did know. I kind of enjoyed letting them see I wasn’t a facts machine, and I was human – just like them.
Unfortunately, the more I taught the program, the more knowledgeable I became. I knew which parts of the curriculum were difficult, and I could anticipate when I would hear the tougher questions. I secretly began to take pride in the fact that I did know all the answers. I was still fond of pulling out my yellow pad of paper at the start of every program and giving my “I Don’t Know Everything” speech,” but I never really had to pull out that yellow pad again for the duration of the program.
Why was this unfortunate? Because I started to notice that the more I took pride in rattling off answers to complex questions, the more frustrated the more analytical students seemed to become. That frustration often turned to distrust, and that distrust often turned to cynicism. Sometimes that cynicism even turned to aggressive behavior, and for what? Knowing too much? It made no sense to me, until I finally figured out what was happening.
People trust people who have the courage to admit when they just don’t know something. As a matter of fact, once someone admits that he or she doesn’t know the answer to a question, it builds an enormous amount of trust in the answers that person can provide. I knew that I would never dare start a class with a speech proclaiming that I knew everything! Imagine the field day a group of analytical attendees would have in a technical subject trying to prove me wrong. Yet, the longer I showed no hesitation in my quick answers to the questions that were asked, the more I began to inadvertently deliver a flawed message. The attendees I taught became less trusting of me, and my evaluations began to go down.
So, I broke one of the most critical rules of public speaking: I began to lie. When I heard the second or third difficult question from the audience, I would pause, scrunch up my face, and say this: “That’s a terrific question. I believe the answer is _______, but that’s not good enough. I told you earlier today I did not have all the answers, but I do know where to I can find them. Let me jot that question down, make a few calls, and I’ll get back to you with the answer once I have it confirmed.”
Instantly, I could see the group take a collective sigh of relief. The desire to stump the presenter was over, and the look of trust took its place. No, I’m not a big advocate for lying, and it seems absurd that I was perceived as more truthful when I didn’t know all of the answers. Yet, the proof was in the results. I taught over a hundred of those programs, and I was always trusted as someone who had great knowledge in the subject matter – even though I didn’t know all of the answers.
You don’t need to be standing in front of a group of smart people to learn this simple lesson. Author Edward Abbey once wrote:
“There is a way of being wrong which is also sometimes necessarily right.”
Those are indeed wise words when it comes to capitalizing on key moments to earn the trust of others.
Rob,
This is so true, and powerful. As a facilitator, I constantly have to overcome my own desire to “be smart enough” and remember that not knowing creates a space for the most sharing and learning. Only if I model this behavior, can I expect my Forum members to do the same.
This principle applies beyond just knowledge as well…the more open and vulnerable and humble we allow ourselves to become, the more powerful our relationships.
Thanks again for hitting the nail on the head 🙂
It is a strange irony isn’t it? “Smart enough” is very smart professionally or personally! I’m guessing you have some pretty smart Forum members and I’m quite sure they appreciate your knowledge and humility. Great post Lee!
At first I was disagreeing with you but then I remembered what I once dreamt Martha Stewart once told me. “The cover up is always worse than the crime.”
Martha Stewart taught you this in a dream did she? Just remember there is no crime letting an audience know you don’t know everything… even if you do know everything! Thanks for posting Fred.
Great message!!
Thanks Michael!
Rob, great article. I’ll add that one time, in discussing a problem with people from another office, I remarked in response to someone’s observation: “that’s a great question; wish I had thought of that.” Years later, one of the attendees told me how that comment stayed with her and heightened her respect for me. It’s the same concept — being willing to acknowledge that one doesn’t know everything works to improve one’s credibility, not diminish it. Ken
I love that story and couldn’t agree with you more. The trouble occurs when we do find ourselves in a position of knowing everything about a particular topic. It’s unorthodox telling someone we aren’t sure of an answer when we are, but as you said, it can “improve one’s credibility, not diminish it.” Great hearing from you Ken!
Edward Abbey clearly figured out the secret to a long marriage! Great insights, Rob.
I hadn’t looked at this from a marriage standpoint, but I will now. You’re right; Edward Abbey’s quote holds up. Thanks for posting Tony!
Well done Rob!
You also prove that you are reliable and keep your promises by getting the correct answer to them like you said you would.
Thank you for sharing ~
Neil
Oh yes; all bets are off if we don’t follow up with the correct response when committed to. At the end of the day that’s all most people want. Thanks for the post Neil!
Rob,
Excellent article.
I can vouch for this dynamic. When I was in IT support training for the Army, my training class had this know-it-all who was obsessed with proving how smart he was with computers. While he did indeed have the advantage on us during the first month, his obnoxious attitude instilled growing enmity among the rest of us. This worsened when it turned out his attempts to solve real world problems ended badly, marking him as someone untrustworthy.
Like you profoundly observed, the fellow trainees who became the go-tos for learning review and problem solving were the ones open about their shortcomings. You knew upfront where their competencies were which, coupled with their open attitudes, fostered trust and desire to grow together to reach new levels. They achieved a grace and magnetism no wiz-bang with something to prove could ever hope to do.
Fantastic read and I look forward to the next post.
Respectfully,
Manu
Great case study. The real irony is when faced with real world problems, the know-it-all was unable to perform. Additionally, the longer this display of intelligence goes on, the more intense the desire to trip up the intellect. becomes. Thanks so much for the post Manu!
Love this. Fascinating that knowledge can become the skill of a know-it-all. Tho in your case, I would bet that you forgot what you needed time to learn and so the answers came easily. Great post and a reminder.
That’s what it is – a reminder. Most of us know not to provide answers to questions we don’t know but sometimes what we fail to tell an audience is an answer that represents an opinion, and not a fact. As a professional speaker you understand that this is often an unconscious mistake. Keeping that yellow pad handy, and making sure to use it is the key to credibility. Grateful for your post Eileen.
Reportedly, Einstein once said he wasn’t afraid of what he didn’t know. He was more concerned with what he did know. How often have we been “sure” of the answer only to realize we didn’t really have all the needed information.
I don’t make a habit of disagreeing with Einstein, and this will be no exception. We often think we’re “sure” of the answer when in fact we are fairly sure. Why don’t we want to tell an audience we are fairly sure? Because the information would certainly be challenged… and therein lies the problem. Let’s make sure we have all the needed information, and then we can provide responses we are “sure” of and responses that are accurate! Thanks for posting Jim.
Great article! Rob, thanks for sharing your wisdom and communication on what you don’t know. How effectively communicating it is very helpful to me. Nobody knows everything for sure, esp. the more scientific or technical, the more likely you encounter some very intriguing and unknown areas. Giving a right answer later is more important than just giving any answer quickly or wrongly.
I know you come from the scientific community Hui so this topic probably hits home for you. There is no guessing for any of us, but in the scientific community the results can be disastrous. The right answer later is the right thing to do, and increases our credibility when doing it. A home run any way you look at it. Thanks for posting Hui!
Hi Rob. Very wise and so very true – thank you for bringing this up!
My pleasure and thanks for taking the time to read what I wrote. It’s a strange paradox for sure! Thanks for posting Patrick.