At some point in a workshop, you’ll probably be engaged in a role-play. Did you see that face you just 
made? It wasn’t a happy face; it was a face that looked like you had a toothache! I’m not sure I’ve ever met a person whose reaction to a role-playing was this: “Oh boy! When do we get started?!” However, before you start tweeting #Ihateroleplays, you might want to take another look at this often underestimated activity. Although some feel that role-playing is an antiquated approach to training, there is a lot of value in it. Let’s start with one of my favorite training quotes:
“What we hear, we forget. What we see, we remember. What we do, we learn.”
That’s why so many good training programs incorporate small group activities, and the granddaddy of all small group activities is the role-play. To refresh your memory, role-plays are typically conducted in what’s called “triads,” or groups of three. This allows larger classes to split into small groups, with each group consisting of a person utilizing the skills being taught, a person playing the role of the client and an observer.
Everyone obsesses on the role of the person who has to actually utilize those skills. That’s where the pressure may lie, but that’s not necessarily where the key lessons are.
In these pressure packed situations, let’s first talk about the person who is the star: The person practicing the freshly taught skills. He or she can only focus on the actual process, and little else. I’ve witnessed thousands of role-plays in my career, and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen situations where individuals forgot to tell the client their name, or their company’s name, or other incredibly basic pieces of information that they would never forget in a real client meeting. It’s quite common for people to finish up and say, “I can’t remember anything I just said!” It’s understandable because, in that role, the person is trying to use new skills for the first time.
A triad consists of three roles that rotate for a reason. The pressure is not nearly as high when playing the role of the client. The focus is not on the client, and other than having to add basic background information that is typically written down, the person playing that role needs only to react to what he or she is hearing… and that’s where a lot of the real learning takes place.
When poor listening habits are displayed, or an awkward question is asked, or a lack of empathy is displayed, the client will see, hear, and feel it. On the flipside, when good listening habits are displayed, or an intelligent question is asked, the client will see, hear and feel it. These types of lessons can’t be read in a book or taught through a lecture; they need to be experienced, and often these experiences are never forgotten.
This type of learning isn’t just for those who play the role of the client either. The third role of a triad role-play is that of an observer. When I conduct role-plays, my observers are given a short list of criteria to look for. I try to keep this task to a minimum, and for a good reason; the observers are in a unique learning role themselves. In a sense, an observer is perched above the fray, and that observer can truly feel the nature of the conversation that is taking place. After a role-play, it’s not unusual to hear a rather stunned observer say this: “I’ve never had an opportunity to actually hear the conversation that I’ve had with my clients for so many years.”
This message isn’t just for those who role-play in a business environment. Why do you think therapists often use role-playing in couple and group therapy? There is so much to be learned when clients can reverse roles and play the other side of the conversation. When we’re able to walk in another person’s shoes, we can see a completely different perspective.
Some say empathy and compassion are nearly impossible to teach, but I disagree. When you understand role-playing for what it really is, you can relish the learning that goes on when you are not the one necessarily under fire. Once you remember that, you will get far more out of the experience than you could ever have imagined.
GREAT Rob. Thanks for sharing. It’s so important to understand all things that make up a transaction. Empathy, compassion, listening, doing and so many more … the best way to practice those things is through role playing. We may feel a bit foolish when we are doing it, but you are correct, we learn what we do. PLAY ON! xo
You bet, and sitting in those other chairs gives us that different perspective we often need to experience. Reading about it doesn’t count. Thanks for posting Doug!
Rob – very thought provoking article. Reminds us that learning and growth are available to each of us when we really pay attention to how others are interacting. Thank you!
Beautifully said. That’s what walking in another person’s shoes is all about. Do NOT fear the role-play! Thanks for posting Michael.
Knowing you, Rob, your groups are fortunate to have you leading them as a master facilitator who knows how to see/share all of this from 10,000 feet while cutting the tension/stress/pressure with your humor and wit. Great stuff.
Wow, what a nice thing to say. However, the truth is, there is a lot that should go on from the instructor before a role-play is to begin. I insist companies put their trainers through the role-plays as opposed to observing the role-plays so they can understand what it feels like to be put under that kind of pressure. Want to know one of my secret weapons from my Xerox days? Frank Sinatra music! Calms everyone down. Thanks for posting Steve.
Rob, you’ve explained this really well, especially the value and nuances of the three roles. I totally agree with the enormous value there is in using ones whole body as part of any process of learning fully. Thinking about it is one thing; doing it is way more powerful.
I believe that one big fear that gets in the way of people “playing” full out is our fear of looking bad or doing it wrong. That is why I find it so important to stress to an audience that it is not about doing it right. Not doing it right is perfectly acceptable, allowed, and to some extent encouraged. We learn far more from our mistakes than we learn from doing it right the first time. In this type of process it’s good to let go of our fears of failing.
Great point Lowell. I’m with you on this one. I use golf analogies and tell my audiences, “I could care less where the ball actually goes. Let’s look at this as working on the swing, and if we learn the swing mechanics, the ball will do just fine.” I’d rather them explore and try the tactics we are teaching them and shank it in the weeds as opposed to watching those who role-play worry about looking good and avoid using the processes we are teaching them. Really glad you posted this Lowell; thanks.
Rob, what is the I hate role playing hashtag? I place role playing somewhere between kidney stones and dental surgery but like kidney stones when it is over you feel so good.
I work with start up companies and the first piece of advice I give them is to think about the first meeting they will have with a prospective customer. Put yourself in the “customers shoes.” Think about what they will ask, what will you say, how it will end, etc. If you understand that you are ready to build your company.
Thanks for your BLarticle.
Great advice to the start ups. Put them in a role-play and they’ll really get the point! Always great hearing from you Mark.
As usual Rob you are right on target! Keep this content coming!
When I get comments like yours Pat it inspires to keep this content coming. Grateful to have you as a reader, and as a friend. Thanks for the post.
Hey Rob,
I literally have panic attacks in “role play” situations. Do you have any advice, other than medication?
Great article!
🙂 Jeanne
Do I have advice? Hmm. Well, Carol Burnett, who has a well document history of having panic attacks, was quoted as saying this once: “I just picture the audience all sitting on toilets.” Clearly, it helps some! In all seriousness, remember when you are role-playing the only thing at stake is your ego. It doesn’t cost anything to make a mistake, and if you ever had me as an instructor you’d see I LOVE mistakes. It means people are reaching, and trying new things. Embrace those butterflies and get them to start flying in formation for you! Thank you so much for posting Jeanne.
Your comment about empathy being (potentially) a learned skill is backed up by the research behind certification training I took in the late 90s in emotional intelligence. I was stunned when my empathy score was among my lowest when I took the EQ inventory in training–after all, I cry at sad commercials!–but the facilitator pointed out to me something I’ve never forgotten, and have often practiced: empathy is not how you feel. It’s what you DO. It doesn’t count if you feel bad for the elderly person who just tripped on a curb. It counts as empathy only if you help the person up again. The more I thought about empathy as something to DO, the more I strengthened the skill–and role playing is a “DO” environment. Good BLArticle!
I hope to never forget that amazing quote you just shared with us: “empathy is not how you feel. It’s what you DO.” Thank you so much for posting such a wonderful quote, and story!