The other day, I was texting a good friend of mine. Off and on over the years, we have promised to get together for lunch, and I thought now was a good time to initiate that get-together. It started harmlessly, with a couple of simple text exchanges. I was trying to get him to come to a party, and when he couldn’t make it, I texted the following:
“Sorry to miss you. Throw out dates for lunch because I’ve been hearing about this lunch for a few years now.”
Sounds harmless enough. Here was his reply:
“No problem. Please do not text me again. Kindly take me off of your business-emailing list as well.”
Stunned, and somewhat bewildered by the response, I looked at the text a few times. I asked myself, “What in the world just happened here?” One thing I was quite sure of: My intention was certainly not to offend him, but by his response, I knew that I had definitely offended him.
Having been instructed not to text him again, I sent him a quick email. It was short, and sweet:
“Did I offend you?! That certainly wasn’t my intention. If I did – my apologies. Just looking for a lunch date.”
It turned out that I did offend him. He kindly apologized and told me he thought telling him, “Throw out dates for lunch,” meant, “I know longer wanted to see him for lunch!” Thankfully, once he read my email, and reread the text, he understood my true intent, and all was quickly forgiven.
This little exchange amplifies two important communication challenges. The first involves texts and emails. It’s a terrific way to communicate, but one huge flaw that plagues the world of written communication is intent. We can write one thing, but what’s perceived on the other end can be dramatically different. The relationship history can be a factor, and your mood can also be a factor, but there is something bigger that is operating here. We text and email a person with our words, but they can’t hear the tune in which it was intended. There is no sense of pitch, no sense of pace, and there is no sense of pause behind the words. The words you write just land with no real direction or intent, and are open for interpretation.
This exchange demonstrates a second communication issue that does not involve texts or emails. When we speak without passion or commitment, we run the risk of running into the same problem. Our words are stale, and not only is our intent open for interpretation, but so is our credibility.
When it comes to writing texts or emails, my only suggestions are to keep them short, look them over carefully, take a deep breath, and roll the dice. But when it comes to verbal communication, you want to make sure you don’t run the same risk of misinterpretation. You need to focus on more than just the words, but also the way you deliver those words. I call the way you say your words – your cadence, your pauses, and your intonation – the tune.
There are clear, process behaviors, along with measurable tools, available for learning the tune. I’m proud to tell you these tools are available in the book, Why People Don’t Believe You. It is now available at bookstores, and available at Amazon in paperback, E-Book, audio book, and CD versions!
Though one should commit important understandings to writing so as to avoid “ships in the night” disasters, you well illustrated that, especially in social interactions, voice, if not face to face, provide the safest settings for certainty.
You got it Jerry. We can actually make that same mistake face-to-face. Pitch, pace, and pause are the keys. Thanks for the post!
Thanks for the terrific article, Rob. It emphasizes the importance of the way we say something or deliver our words. Yes, we can hear the message – whether it’s angry, friendly or disinterested… With the lesson, my awareness of “tone” is enhanced, because the tone of our voice communicates about the intent behind our words, which is subjected to interpretation by others.
It usually is the tone – not the words that drive the emotional impact of our message. Thanks for posting Hui!
Rob,
There’s something wonderfully reassuring in the human voice that is hard to replicate in an email or text. The inanimate nature and lack of warmth of the latter very often beg for interpretation – and that translation can give birth to emotions that were never intended by the author.
Having that fear causes some (myself included) to take an inordinate amount of time to craft and send even a few lines to new acquaintances, coworkers, or close friends. While that habit helps our notes land a bit softer, it has a somewhat unsavory collateral effect. It makes us a bit less understanding of seemingly callous lines from those who don’t take the time to think through what they write. In the end, the wrestling tournament on both sides of the wire requires more than a little discipline but, in the end, it’s always worth the time.
Best to you –
JV
That’s really interesting to me. It makes complete sense. A little like being on time. If I’m going to make sacrifices to show up on time, I would hope someone else would do so as well. Of course you know first hand my policy of being on time… 🙂 Thanks for the post my friend.
Years ago, I had a boss who told me, “If it takes more than two emails, pick up the phone and call.” I’ve seen time and again that she was right, and doubly so for texting or instant messaging. With a medium that only allows 140 characters — and which used to cost a dime per message — we’re better off calling and using those unlimited minutes to get the tone and to iron out any misunderstandings.
Bingo. How about this for an almost forgotten benefit. We can communicate FASTER on the phone or face-to-face! Time management is a major issue for many. Think of the time we can save! Thanks for posting Bruce.