One of the unique challenges of delivering workshops is working effectively with the various personalities that populate your audiences. In most workshops and in some presentations, it’s not unusual for there to be a lot of contact between speakers and their audiences. Some participants talk a lot, and some are quiet. Some are funny, and some are not. But some participants, as well as a few members of your audiences, are just not nice, and those porcupines are the ones you need to beware of.
Clearly, our goal and our instinct, is to get along with everyone. Our reflex is to make sure we do everything we can do to get along with those who aren’t particularly pleasant. Anyone who is leading a group, or giving a presentation would do that, and that’s what makes this issue such a difficult one. It seems that, in these particular situations, our instinct is wrong.
So, what is Rob Jolles actually saying? Is he telling us to go to battle with all the porcupines?! No, but Rob Jolles is saying that the best way to deal with those who aren’t pleasant is not to kill them with kindness. It just won’t work. You risk losing the rest of the group – the people whom you actually want to work with. We’ve all seen the porcupines who will hold a room hostage with his or her inappropriate behavior. The presenter begins to think this: “I’ll turn this person around if it’s the last thing I do.” They fawn over the troublemakers, and generally bend over backwards to do everything in their power to win over the porcupines. They work so hard – for so long – that sometimes they actually succeed! But at what cost?
You may win the battle, but you’ll absolutely lose the war. People in an audience aren’t stupid. Not only do they know when someone is behaving inappropriately, but they also know when the presenter is working a little too hard to get on the porcupine’s good side. The audience perceives this as a reflection of weakness, and they see a presenter who is rewarding bad behavior. Not only that, it is extremely rare when a presenter is actually able to successfully turn around a porcupine’s ridiculous behavior by simply being nice.
The solution is easier than you than you think, but harder than you might imagine; leave the porcupine alone. When it’s time to ask him or her a question, make it a fact-based question so there’s little wiggle room for inappropriate answer. When it’s time for a small group activity, you assign the leaders and spokespeople for each group. Hold questions from the audience to the end of each segment, and don’t be afraid to take a porcupine’s question offline if it’s inappropriate. It’s your program, and your rules; don’t be afraid to tighten those rules for the sake of the rest of the audience.
The fact is this: You just can’t hug a porcupine. If you try to, you will feel the pain of a porcupine and it is most likely that you’ll encounter someone who just doesn’t want to be hugged. You may also find your audience will lose respect for you. I’d suggest you avoid wasting huge amounts of time trying to placate a porcupine, and just leave him or her alone!
Great Incite Rob!
I love this sentence: “The solution is easier than you than you think, but harder than you might imagine; leave the porcupine alone.”
Thanks,
Allison
Allison, I also loved that sentence!
Sarah
You found me out – that’s one of my favorite sentences too! Instinctively we avoid the obvious. Thanks for posting!
First comment in, and you spotted the heart of the BLArticle®. That’s it in a nutshell. Too bad so many people feel the painful sting of trying to hug it out! Thanks for the post Allison!
Rob, my Master,
Could not be more right. I have same experience after 22yrs and over 100 000 participants. Learning journey can sometimes be painful. And its ok to leave porcupines alone as long as they don´t harm others´ learning… I have so called 3 I model: 1) Isolate 2) Ignore 3) Involve when ready
One to One -discussion often helps. I had once in Beirut leadership training for CEOs and one highly ranked leader came into room with his assistant. He did talk only through assistant, wearing RayBans, classic arabic clothing. I allowed him to sit quiet hands crossed, stone faced till the first break. “May I have couple of nice words with your manager directly”, I asked politely from the assistant. She was given permission by the manager. “Sir, may I suggest something that would absolutely give the best payback of your time spent here?” “Yes.” ” I would suggest that you join the rest of the team and share your valuable leadership experiences with others to some get some new leadership habits back to work. So you can send your assistant back home to do something related to her job role and goals. On the lunch break he came with pair of levi´s, lacoste t-shirt and no RayBans. Rest of the week he was the most active learner and participant of the team, elected as the most active participant by the team and he had great action plan: “I will start doing, keep doing, stop doing, totally 21 habits!
Mika,
That was a BRILLIANT strategy! Love it!
Great job Mika! Buried in the BLArticle® archive vault, (meaning a year or two ago,) I wrote a BLArticle® miniseries on working with a Sniper attendee. You’re right on cue with turning that Sniper around. Porcupines are those who usually just don’t belong in whatever program you’re putting forth and staying polite, respectful, and open… but NO MORE is the logical, but often misunderstood move. Can you turn a porcupine around? Sure. Does that happen often without turning the rest of the class off? Yes. Nice to hear from you my friend!
one of my colleagues, dr. ray falcione, taught me “you are at the mercy of the person you allow to anger you”. when we led seminars, we remembered this in how to manage difficult people – acknowledge their concern, take it offline, or engage the rest of the audience in the discussion. great post rob!
You nailed it DeeDee. If you are going to try and actually turn this porcupine around, it has to take place offline. If the porcupine starts in with you in front of the room, you nailed it again. Use a relay technique and ask the audience, “How do the rest of you feel about this?” This let’s the audience jump in which they are eager to do. Thanks so much for posting DeeDee!
Great advice. Must own your zone and focus on the impact you can make on those willing to learn/engage.
Bingo! Too often a porcupine takes our focus off what we are there to do. I’m not going to punish or reward his or her behavior. I’m just not going to engage and that takes strength. Nice hearing from you Beth!
So so true. I had a porcupine: threw rocks every chance he got . At the break, I spoke to him away from the group and said: I see two options for you: you have the opportunity to be a positive force for this group if you choose to. Or you may be excused because what I am sending now is that you do not want to be here. You choose. He stayed and was great
Spoken from a pro. Many porcupines aren’t used to a leader who stands up, and privately confronts his or her behavior. No dancing around it necessary. I did the same thing once by the way years ago when I was teaching flood insurance. A man came in for a seminar, handed over his check, and said, “I’m here to complain and cause trouble. I don’t like the way the government handles this flood insurance, and I intend to let you and everyone know about it!” I asked if there was anything I could do to change his mind and encourage him to be respectful in this general session offered to agents from all over the state and he quickly said, “No!” Just as quickly I handed him his check back, and told him he would not be allowed in the session. He melted away, got in his car and left. We had a great session without him. Thanks so much for posting Eileen.
Rob,
I sometimes have had porcupines try to grab the spotlight when it’s totally inappropriate — and it means that a larger group of people will suffer because of one person’s lack of social graces. I like your tactic of asking fact-based questions of this type of person.
Yep, when I can’t kick them out, and they won’t leave on their own, I stick to the facts! They aren’t the most enjoyable questions, but they keep the porcupine from spouting his or her opinions and filibustering.
As always, your article is inspiring and there is always one of these in a crowd. A speaker can waste their energy trying to win over someone who isn’t interested. I like the idea given in the last reply to talk to them individually.
We have some great people who post, and many of these people are professional speakers and trainers. IF, and it’s a big “if” we are going to turn a porcupine around it will never be done in front of the room, and must always be done offline. Thanks for posting Beverley!
I teach English as a Second Language (ESL) and there’s a dadgum porcupine in my class! Thanks Rob!
Well, seeing as this is a class, and my guess is you’re going to see this dad-gum porcupine on a weekly basis, you might, I repeat, might want to take them offline and see if there’s something you can give him or her to do to assist you. It’s risky, and I’m not trying to contradict what I’ve said all along, but just a meaningless task sometimes helps. If not, and the relay doesn’t work either, check out the “The Squirrel Syndrome” BLArticle®. Thanks for the post Buzz. Dad-gum porcupines!
Rob, thanks for your wisdom and perspectives! We all encounter difficult people along the way, this is life. Leave them alone – I like this strategy.
Yes, leave them alone. Resist the instinct to “fix them” and go about your business. If they come to see your point of view – wonderful. But don’t lost the respect of others to win over a person who has no interest in being won over. Thanks for the post Hui!